Birthday PArty Tips from DJ Khaled

I'd like to think I've had some pretty good birthday parties over the years. I've received some Jordan's from time to time and the occasional celebratory bottle of Ciroc. Even when I was two my Grandmom dressed up like a clown and had the ill Sesame Street cake. I thought I had did it pretty big, until I saw video of DJ Khaled's birthday bash. You know your party is the place to be when Don King shows up...ONLY IN AMERICA!!!

DJ Khaled's Birthday Bash with Don King

I taught you all how to Dougie

I'm not a great dancer. I actually suck. I once thought of asking a worker at a local Footlocker for two left sneakers. During the height of Janet Jackson's career, my family would refer to me as the "King of the Rhythm-less Nation." One thing I could do is "Dougie."

No, I'm not trying to fit in with the younger crowd and perform the dance move that is taking the nation by storm. I actually performed this move on New Years Eve 2009. I guess I'm a trendsetter. Twelve months ago, when I went into my bag of dancing tricks, I had no clue that the Wall Street Journal, of all publications, would be doing a feature on maneuver that I brought to the masses.

Janet Jackson ain't got nothing on me.

SPORTS: Mr. Likeable Kevin Durant

I am the guy that your family loves. Grandmother's pinch my cheeks, mothers want to feed me, uncles ask me to play cards, and brothers want me to have a drink with them.
Kevin Durant is just as likable. He scores a ton of points for a young upstart team, plays to the crowd, celebrates with his teammates, and most importantly can make SAUCES!


Kevin Durant Sauce Styles

Where is the Good Cop?

Every year a new series of cop shows premier on television with a similar premise. Cops patrolling the mean inner streets, taking down the bad guys, while managing to spare enough time to shoot hoops with the neighborhood kids and hit up the local bar for a beer. These shows pride themselves on being authentic to the life that officers take on when they wear the badge. I’ve taken the time to watch a few of these shows and I have one issue with the good cop-bad cop premise: Where is the good cop in real life?

I never see the officer who saves the cat from the tree or helps an old woman cross the street. I have witnessed a cop open a bottle of liquor and poor it in someone’s car and I have been pulled over and told by a police officer, “I don’t want to have to put you in a body bag.” Some may argue that my experiences are rare, and perhaps I put myself in compromising situations. But what about the 72 year-old grandmother that was so strong that a police officer had to tase her.

What is the world coming to when you can’t tell the difference between an officer of the law and a member of the Bloods Gang. I’m tired of cops being put on desk duty for exhibiting heinous behavior. I’m tired of hearing about sensitivity training for rookies. I want change and I want it now!



Yes there are true criminals that officers must protect the public from as well as themselves. Of course in these situations officers must use more force than they would in a routine traffic stop. My only cry is that they use their manpower and tactics to minimize true crime, as opposed to exercising strategic brutality. The question is how many more videos like the one below will we have to see before a change occurs.

DATING: To whore or not to whore!

CAUTION: My articles are generalized and not meant for any particular or specific situations. Taking my well thought out opinions personal may cause anger, sadness, loss of sleep, or bitterness.

Results may vary!



Cornbread is back at it again. Lately I have been talking with some friends about “whores” and I feel like some people could use some advice. So here it is, the rules you should follow when being involved with a whore. Though these aren't all the rules, they are the ones that are most important. Now let's start:

1) Keep it private: It is not a common thing to take a whore out to dinner and a movie. Keep her in a house. She’s like a du-rag. Only use them for a little while in the private of your own home, but never take it outside the house.
2) Wear a Condom: SAFE SEX! But ESPECIALLY with a WHORE!
3) Leave the lights on: People assume when you turn the lights off, it’s so you don't have to look at the whore, which I must say is WRONG! “Lights off” is romance. Hit it from the back, push her head down and call it a night.
4) The acceptable hours are from 11pm-5am: She should not be there while you’re getting ready for work, or making dinner. She's there during booty call hours only.

This next one is personally my favorite.
5) Leave your socks on: Never get ass naked with a whore Straight skin-to-skin contact is very intimate and meant for someone you care about. Leaving those socks on leave some dignity. A loophole if you will.
6) No Kissing: If the chick is a whore she shouldn’t be kissed. DON'T DO IT. Why you ask? Well besides the fact that she probably sucked the penis of someone you know, she probably also has herpes. Good enough reason?
7) Wear a condom: I don't know how much I can stress that. STDs are real people.

The next one is the most important rule of them all.
8) WE DON'T LOVE THESE HOES: Basically, you can't turn a whore into a housewife. Let her play her position.

Simple as that. Those were some of the main rules to dealing with whores, so if you think someone your involved with is following these rules, you’re probably considered a whore. Ladies, even though l am speaking from the male perspective, it’s just as easy for you to follow these rules with man whores. If you want to ask me a specific question, just leave a comment and I’ll try to get back to you. The easiest and most direct way to contact me is through Twitter. Follow me (@FredE_Cornbread and @31percent.

Until later, I’m Fred E. Cornbread.

Piss on Week 11.30.10

Warning!! No one in the following blog post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to discribe how outrageous and unforgiveable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who fines this segment offensive has the right and the duty to be pissed on as well.



Sinceely,



Professional Rationalist



10. Sweet Baby Rays Barbecue Sauce





Relax! I love Sweet Baby Rays.



I’m just pissing on them because they have yet to come out with a gallon sized bottle.



9. Pusha T





Rap artist and member of The Clipse has rejuvenated his career with his recent work with Kanye West. Unfortunately he has not been able to rejuvenate his hair line.



Pusha T gets pissed on for refusing to give up the braids.



8. Wayans Brothers



All the talent in their family and the best they could come up with is an ignorant cartoon called “Thugaboo?”







Pissed On


7. Asking Andy



I don’t mind answering questions, I really don’t. I understand that the only way to learn is to ask questions, but you can’t ask a question about every little thing!! A grown man once asked me how long should he put a hot dog in the microwave for.



Not only is this unacceptable, but it’s also piss-worthy.



6. 17 Philadelphia Police Officers



Count Em! Seventeen officers of the law have been arrested this year in Philadelphia for everything from drug trafficking to domestic assault.



I’m going need their badge, rifle, and the opportunity to piss on each of them.





5. Antoine Walker





Rumor has it that Antoine Walker is going to sign with the NBA D-League’s Idaho Stampede.



He gets the business for making me think about tuning into a game with less than 150 fans in attendance.





4. Kim Kardashian





First it was Ray J and then Reggie Bush. I just found out that she was dating Miles Austin for a New York minute.



She gets pissed of for being so attractive, yet such a skeezer.



3. Cee-Lo





No need for an explanation. Pissed On



2. Chris Berman





How does Chris Berman still have a job after this video.





He gets the business for giving us the Ten Codeine Commandments.



1. Hanna- Barbera Productions



This staple in the cartoon business is coming out with a new Yogi Bear film.



They get pissed on for thinking that kids today care about a mammal who steals picnic baskets.



P.S. they should have remade the Jetson's instead.

The Rapping Mayor Michael Nutter

You know him as Mayor Nutter, that was until he rocked the Mike with DJ Jazzy Jeff at the grand opening of Mitchell and Ness. I introduce to you MC Wonder Mike.



This wasn't the first time he blessed a track. Peep Michael Nutter in this 1989 rap video.