here to give you the only perspective that matters, MINE. (I'll give you a second to hum the theme music of Shaft.)As many of you may know, I am a firm believer that idiots should be pissed on. Why you ask? It's the ultimate form of disrespect. Punching someone out is soo 90s, Slapping them is too reminiscent of WWF, and spitting on them is not manly at all. The only alternative is to pee on them, preferably by the ankles. Without further adieu, here is this week's list of people who deserve to be pissed on.
10. Hockey Fans
I knew there had to be a reason why I hated hockey besides the fact that I can’t skate…. The fans are idiots. The fans voted to decide who would start in the All Star Game and disregarded Alex Ovechki: the leagues reigning MVP, scoring champion, and leader of one of this year’s top teams. Hey Alex! Feel free to join me anytime and piss on your “Beloved” fans.
9. Reina Villatoro
So this woman swears that she did not know about the cockfights going on in her basement.
How do you not hear a total of 58 birds whooping, hollering, and clucking in your home, but you manage to hear three police officers talking as they entered the premises. I would have accepted you saying that you used the roosters to wake you up in the morning or to lay eggs. But to say you just didn’t hear them gets you pissed on for lack of an alibi.
8. NCAA
College basketball takes a hit for making it acceptable to scout 7th graders.
For Pete’s sake they are only 13! At that age I didn’t know how I was getting home everyday let alone which college I wanted to go to. But at 22, I do know that the NCAA deserves the business.
7. The Overpaying John
I’m not aiming at Natalie Dylan for putting her virginity on the “pink market”, if you will. But I am peeing on the idiot who is paying a grand total of $3.8 million for it.
How ugly is this guy?
6. Pepsi
So I go to a friend’s house and I see this vintage Pepsi can in the back of the fridge. I’m like come on. I know times are hard but must we resort to drinking decade old soda. To my dismay it turned out to be a new Pepsi can. Hey Pepsi, you can’t just go changing the look of your cans without letting me know. Pissed on for lack of notification.
5. The Barber
I’m not going to leak on R&B crooner Bobby Valentino for growing what appears to be a Rat Tail in the works, or all the guys with Mohawks, or the idiot with more shapes in his head than a geometry book. I’m going to go after their barbers instead. How dare you let someone’s child get out of your chair looking like this.
4. Andre Thomas
I’m giving the business to anybody who doesn’t agree that this man is crazy!
3. Swag
Everybody is using this term to describe how cool they are. Jay-Z and associates made it the coolest thing to say with their song, “Swagger Like Us.”
But it appears to me that the term has been diluted because everywhere I go I hear someone using it. The dude who took the bus to the club is talking about his swag. The bald headed chick with the bad wig is shouting Swag to the heavens. Even sports reporters have begun to use the phrase. I’m giving the business to anybody who doesn’t agree that this man is crazy!You want to know who has true Swag?... Jack Nicholson and his main man Lou Adler.
From this day forth if you are not one of these two dapper dons, you get pissed on for use of the word Swag.
2. T.O/VH1
I hate hearing T.O. utter nonsense during the NFL season. Why the hell would I want to tune in to hear it when he’s not even playing football?
VH1, I must admit that I tuned into Flavor of Love once or twice. But T.O. is where I piss the line.
1. American Idol Fans
I don’t get it guys. For 8 seasons it has been the same thing. A few weeks chuckling at people who can’t sing, a few weeks being upset when your favorite gets voted off, followed by tears when they announce the winner. Let it go and find something else to do with your weeknights. American Idol fans get the shake and zip as I get out of here until next time.
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