The Fat Boys have a new member

The Fat Boys have nothing on this guy. He made me want to go grab a mic and get into a studio. It is amazing to me that hip hop has come this far.

Daichi for Beatbox Battle Wildcard

Tweeting is dumb!

I work for a prestigious communications company. I am responsible for selling a variety of online advertising. Of the many new online options, the one that I cease to understand is Twitter. The idea of updating my closest, and non-closest, friends, family, and acquaintances with my every move perplexes me.

The Contrarian is shitting.

The Contrarian is scratching his balls.

The Contrarian is getting laid.

The Contrarian is making cheese eggs.

The Contrarian is illegally downloading music.

The Contrarian is watching the A Team on Netflix.

Are your lives that boring that you actually want to know when I make a bowel movement?

Video: Andy Milonakis - Ayy Let Me Twitter Dat

Sports - Baseball

A lot of people complain that baseball is too slow of a game. That’s the point! The slow game allows for time to buy beer. It allows for great conversation about the game and all of life perplexities. Most importantly, it allows for great Youtube videos such as this one.

Drunk, Sleeping Fan Victimized by Beer Cups at Shea Stadium

Fish sticks can be gay

I'm weird. Then again, if you are reading this, and or read this blog on a regular basis, then you already knew that. I am so weird that I don't particularly care for animated adult cartoons. Family Guy, Adult Swim, The Simpsons, and even South Park simply do not do it for me. I made an exception and watched this video since it did a phenomenal job of making fun of my favorite musicians. It's always fun to see the "cool" made fun of, especially when it is done so tastefully.


'South Park': Kanye West is a gay fish, yo

Ms. Cleo is not the only one that can predict things.

I've seen near car accidents. I've seen people slip and fall. I've even seen people walk into walls. I've never seen someone announce a car accident, slip and fall, or head on collision with a wall. After seeing this video, I wish that more people would announce their mishaps.

David Buckner faints on Glenn Beck's show

All buns arent good all the time!

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I like butts.. well I love butts. I like cartoons. Put them together and I feel Iike a perverted old man. What do you think? Perverted or funny? Maybe a little of both?

Spongebob meets Sir Mix-A-Lot

Pimping is where its at!

If I were pimp and talked to women any way that I wanted, this would be my theme song. You heard me right. This song would play when I was in my pimp uniform which would consist of a velvet blazer, leopard printed thong, dress socks, and sandals.


Show Me Your Genitals

Piss on You Week 4.20.09

9. Nova Students

Five “bright” Villanova University students found it acceptable to break into the Eagles’ stadium and go on a looting spree. What did they attempt to grab? They didn’t head for the locker room for authentic jerseys, or the room where they keep all the autographed footballs. Instead they attempted to steal a seat and a sign from a souvenir stand.

They get the business for getting locked up for $25 worth of memorabilia.

8. Nosy Neighbor

I’m at school writing up this week’s list and this chick sitting next to me says, “Excuse me, I know it’s none of my business but why are you pissing on people?” You’re right!

It is none of your business. Stick around long enough and you will find out why first hand.

7. Showtime

Do me a favor. Turn on your TV, hit guide, and go to Showtime. Browse the listing for what is coming on over the next 24 hours and I guarantee you that “This Christmas” will be there twice.

Showtime gets pissed on for thinking I want to see a Christmas movie in the middle of April.

6. Darius McCary

Once known as Eddie Winslow from “Family Matters”, I now refer to him as a freakin’ moron. He married a woman who is affectionately known as Superhead.

He gets pissed on for marrying a chick whose claim to fame is oral sex. He gets the shake before the zip for marrying a woman who had this to say about him.



5. Rihanna

Rumor has it that Rihanna is currently dating Lakers’ center Andrew Bynum.

After the way her face looked when lil’ dancing Chris Brown beat her down, she gets the business for thinking she will have a better chance at defending herself against a seven foot, 285 pound basketball player.

4. John Legend


I like John Legend. I really do.

As much as it pains me I’ve got to piss on him for this pic of him cuddling with his lady at a Knicks game. There is No Cuddling During Basketball!!(no matter how much the Knicks are losing by)

3. Philadelphia Police Officers

Plain and simple…They Can’t Drive! It seems like every other day they get into an accident. Last year alone they were involved 731 vehicle accidents.

Philly cops get pissed on for being comfortable with a gun, but shaky behind the wheel.

2. Sports Illustrated

SI dropped the ball when it made a false accusation that future NFL draft pick, B.J. Raji, failed a drug test. This report could have ultimately ended his future in the NFL.

SI gets pissed on for covering a story that never existed, and missing these photos of possible No. 1 draft pick Matt Stafford.


1. Mariah Carey

In honor of Earth Week, I am pissing on Mariah Carey for being named “The Least Green Celebrity” by Greendaily.com

BBQ sauce doesnt make everything better!

I'm torn. I love BBQ but I hate feet. What's a finger-licking brother to do?

One would assume that this is a health hazard!


What will we have next? Chinese food, and nail salons all in one?

Sports - NBA Playoffs - Cleveland Cavaliers

Have you ever watched a sport's team play and felt connected? You feel that if you were a professional athlete you would be like the guys on a particular team? Deion's endzone dances were nothing compared to the moves you had in store. If you Allen Iverson you would have said practice 1000 times in an interview. That's exactly how I feel about this year's Cavs team. They are a funny group of guys, and most importantly we have the same first love.

Cavaliers Playoff Proposal

Life - Twiddling Thumbs

Five episodes of “Fat Albert”, four riveting cases of Matlock and I listened to every rap song recorded by Jewelz better known as Allen Iverson. Yup, I’m bored! I’ve devoured three-day old pasta, Chinese food from yesterday and nibbled on two pieces of fruit… and it’s only 1:30.

It’s not that I am a lazy degenerate. I’m in my last term in college so my work load isn’t crazy. Yes I am applying for post-graduation jobs, but once you apply there is nothing left to do but wait on the call. Sure I hang out with other members of the AA Club (Always Available), but after a while the day’s meeting must be adjourned.
I could go shopping; however, limited funds will turn that excursion into a day of window shopping and disappointment. As I step out of the house for fresh air in hopes that a new adventure will smack me dead in the face, I realize how much my weekdays resemble life in jail. I eat, work out, play ball, then it’s off to socialize with fellow prisoners of boredom.

I could go out every night, but that’s just a waste of money. Besides, no one wants to be that dude at the bar or club every night. My barber sees me so much during the day time, that he thinks I am a drug dealer. “No disrespect, but the only people that come in before five are dudes moving that weight.” For the first time in my life I am envious of the drug dealer, at least he has something to do.

A random call to my girlfriend from junior year of high school should give me some entertainment today. She has become a real whack job over the years, and updates on her life never cease to amaze me. Although she was surprised and glad to hear from me, she knew the situation: “John, you must be bored as hell because you never call.” So much for that attempt to pass the time. It’s only Tuesday and I have depleted all of my temporary cures for boredom. I made a 131 song “Best of Roc-A-Fella” playlist, searched EBay for a pair of Nike KG III’s, and watched “Big Booty Bonanza” in its raunchy entirety. I even did homework!

Those of you who are currently bored at work, reading this blog post to pass the time should be grateful. At least you are being paid to be bored. For I am unemployed with nothing but time, yet still living for the weekend.

Movie of the Week - Mike Tyson Documentary

Here is the moment that we have all been waiting for. The full length Mike Tyson documentary. I bet you go and watch this faster than one of Mike's knockouts back in the day. This is a first...the first Movie of the Week that actually is available to watch immediately. I love technology like Mike loves face tattoos.

Mike Tyson Documentary (The Whole Thing)

Piss on you Week 4.13.09

10. Pharrell Williams


I've eaten everything on the McDonald’s menu from #1 through #6 (with no cheese of course). I've had it all from super sized to the dollar menu. None of it has ever made me want to act a fool like Pharrell.

He gets the business for padding the stereotype that something about McDonald's makes black people want to sing.

P vs McDonald's


9. Dionne Warwick

I’m not peeing on her for being a psychic. If you are going to be a psychic the least you could do is foresee tax season.

She gets the business for owing $2.2 million in taxes to the state of California.

8. Pillsbury

Come on Pillsbury! You were doing a great job with the biscuits and the toaster strudels. Why did you have to go and mess things up with this terrible recipe for a Philly Mexican Cheese Steak.

I’m peeing all over the Dough Boy for this one.

7. Florida International University

FIU just hired Isiah Thomas to head their basketball program. The University sees Thomas as a good mentor for the team. Is this the same Thomas who finds it appropriate to hug and kiss female co-workers while calling them “bitches” in New York? Is this the same guy who last year tried to cover up his overdose on sleeping pills by saying it was his 17-year old daughte?

Anybody who believes that is a positive role model deserves to be pissed on.

6. Fox

A lot of things are entertaining. People falling on ice. “Family Guy”. Eddie Murphy.

Fox gets the business for thinking that a reality show about people getting laid off would be just as entertaining.

5. Philadelphia Parking Authority

I have become accustomed to feeding the meter in order to park my car. But the Philadelphia Parking Authority has pissed the line by changing the rates so that a quarter only gets you 7.5 minutes as opposed to fifteen. Seriously, what the hell am I going to do with 7.5 minutes!

4. Ebay account

Nike has released a pair of Kanye West shoes. I would have a pair if it weren’t for the fact that I overslept. Anyway, retail price was $250, and resellers are asking for as much as $800. I know you are probably thinking that’s insane. Now you can understand why I am pissing on this seller who is requesting a whopping $2,500. He gets the shake before the zip for having the nerve to ask for $40 shipping and handling on top of that.

3. Woman Attacked by Polar Bear

Normally I feel bad for people attacked by wild animals. However when you jump into a fenced off section for wild animals during feeding time, you get no sympathy from me.

This broad gets pissed on for thinking that the Knut the Polar Bear was a vegetarian.

2. Tori Spelling

When you look at the above picture what comes to mind? Crack addict, eating disorder, skeleton? Cool, we are on the same page. Ms. Spelling gets the bizz for trying to convince the media that weighing less that a dirty diaper is healthy.

1. Lil’ Wayne

Weezy returns to the list for his single, “Every Girl” in which he proclaims that he wants to have sex with every woman in the world. That is the most reckless statement I have ever heard. The lyrics should be changed to, “I want to contract every STD in the world.” Nonetheless Lil’ Wayne gets his share of urine this week.

Wayne Ft. Young Money - Every Girl [Explicit] (OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO)

Movie of the Week - Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

If you love music, comedy, and romance, then I have a treat for you. The title of the film seems a little cheesy, but "Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist" is worth your time. This is one film that will force you to root for the little guy. It even has a cool girl, with huge breasts for male (and some female) viewers. What more can you ask for? A nasty scene in a bathroom that involves a woman on her knees, a toilet, and gum? Got that too!

Now, run out and get the movie.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Trailer 2008)

Everyone is a boss!

You know you made it when Saturday Night Live does a parody of one of your songs. Well, former Corrections Officer, current underworld drug kingpin and popular rapper Rick Ross has hit the jackpot. The "Bawse," as he calls himself, has just been spoofed by SNL. Just in time for his new album, "Deeper Than Rap," which is being released on April 24th.

Now, non rap fans, say it with me... "Bawse"

Like A Boss (ft. Seth Rogen) - Uncensored Version

Sports - One Shining Moment

Michigan State received a royal ass-whopping in this year's NCAA Championship game courtesy of North Carolina. As much as collegiate sports attempts to promote good sportsmanship, Spartans' fans weren't trying to hear it. Those fans are just like Saturdays...they've got No Class. Twelve fires were started and 21 people were arrested as 1,700 people were gathered at one apartment complex by the school. Things were a bit different with the victorious North Carolina followers. Yes, they were rowdy, and yes they were drunk and set fires;however, no one was arriested.

Maybe Michigan State fans are more prone to being a public nuisance? Perhaps Tar Heels fans are reserved? I just think that cops have little tolerance for losers.

2009 NCAA Tournament - One Shining Moment

Having rhythm is a priviledge.

I wish I would have gotten on the dance floor more as a kid. Instead, I played the shy guy. My uncle once told me that I was the "King of the Rhythmless Nation" which was a spoof of Janet Jackson "Rhythm Nation." In grade school, I actually faked a sprained ankle to avoid dancing with the class slut. This young man, will never have that issue.

Janet-Rhythm Nation


Dance moves that rock!

Movie of the Week: RELIGILOUS

I was a Catholic School kid. I went to them from Pre K thru high school. I was on the youth choir. I even was on the usher board. When I see the film "Ten Commandments," I still get chills. However, when I saw funny man Bill Maher's new documentary on religion it made me question everything that I have ever learned. Maybe it will do the same for you!


RELIGILOUS (Movie Trailer) - BILL MAHER

LIFE - Power of White

A female friend, who happens to be African American, parked her car near her apartment, which happens to be in a predominantly white neighborhood. When she came back to it in the morning, her car would not start. She noticed a note on her car. The note explained that the car's alarm was going off in the morning, presumably waking the neighborhood. One of the homeowners, popped my friend's trunk (the car is older) and disconnected the battery. My friend was livid.

I questioned her reaction. I explained that the neighbor made everyone happy. He or she saved my friend from having to get a jump or worse having her vehicle towed to a mechanic who would only over charge her and then let her know that she needed a new battery. The good Samaritan also restored order in the wee hours of the morning. My friend parked a few blocks from her house, did not hear the alarm sounding, and was not planning to return to her car until the following afternoon. Thus the alarm would have sounded for several hours.

I explained to my friend that she has to embrace the "Power of white people" we all have experienced. Those of us, of all backgrounds, who have grown up in urban environments, normally keep to ourselves. Eye contact? Nope. Mail man has a package for you? Someone may keep it. The "Power of white people" calls on its followers to do what is right, because it is right. Loose your wallet in a good neighborhood? Don't be shocked if you get it back. Are you a few cents short when you are buying coffee at WaWa? Don't worry, the "Power of white people" got cha.




Gary Coleman On White People! "They're Rude & Racist". "This Movie Almost Cost Me My Wife"

Rants are the best blood pressure medicine.

I love a good rant and spaz out. This is what most of us want to do during a hard day at the office but can't because we have bills to pay. The next time you spaz out and someone asks you whats wrong, just tell them you are channeling your inner Tom Green.

Tom Green rants against Fox News

Bongos get the ladys.

When I see things like the video below, it makes me think about how much easier life was before bills, egos, and money. Things are so much more pure and genuine. Maybe that is why I got an instant dumb look on myself when I saw this video. It made me think about all of the good moments I had in the past. It also made me realize that I really need a set of bongos.

New Edition Candy Girl 1983

Piss on Week 4.5.09

9. Hot Dog Toss

It has become customary during the course of professional baseball games for the mascot to shoot hot dogs into the stands.

I’m pissing on the people who damn near break their necks for a demolished hot dog that has been shot 400 feet out of an unsanitary cannon, when they can buy an edible one for two bucks.

Phillie Phanatic Shooting Hot Dogs Citizens Bank Park


8. Hollis Thomas

This NFL pro gets the business for finding it acceptable to leave the house in full SponegeBob gear.


7. The Brady Rule

Just because the NFL’s golden boy got hurt last season, the league has decided to alter the rules once again to protect its QBs.

The Brady Rule gets the business for putting the NFL one step closer to becoming a flag football league.


6. Penis Painter

Some spoiled brat thought it would be funny to paint a 60-foot penis on the roof of his parents’ mansion.

I‘m giving him the business for a poor sense of humor and I’m saving some for his parent for not giving him the beating of a lifetime when they discovered the image.

5. Chantelle Steadman

Chantelle is a perfect candidate for the next episode of Maury…16 years old and not sure who the father of her baby is. She also became a perfect candidate to be pissed on when she tried to say that this poor child is her baby’s daddy.

4. Officer Robert Powell
I’m too pissed off to even speak on this one.

Just watch. Ryan, my deepest sympathies.

Robert Powell Ryan Moats Dash Cam video Part 1 of 2


Robert Powell Ryan Moats Dash Cam video Part 2 of 2


3. Obama Fried Chicken

I like President Obama. Cool dude. I also like chicken, but never do I need the two of them together.

Whoever though that Obama Fried Chicken was a good idea gets the business. The shake before the zip goes to anyone who dares grab a two piece, biscuit and coleslaw from this establishment.


2. Shrimp Seeker

At some point and time we have all ordered a meal and were a bit disappointed with the portions. Most of us share our disdain with our friends, vow never to eat there again, and shut up and eat whatever is on the plate. Not this woman who decided to call the police because she had been deprived of an appropriate amount of shrimp with her shrimp fried rice.

1. Day 26

Day 26 is the latest R&B group to come out of the “Making the Band” TV series. If you have ever watched the show before you understand that all groups have their quarrels. These guys are getting the business for arguing like a bunch of women. I’m sorry, but are they crying during a fist fight?

Que & Brian of Day 26 Fight in the Studio (Making The Band)

Falling never gets old.

Question: At what age will other people's mishaps stop being funny?

For instance, I watched the clip below at least 4 times and laughed harder each time.

Will someone falling or tripping ever get old or is it like "Law and Order?" Meaning, you can see the same thing over and over and over and over and never stop tuning in?

The only thing that I do differently as an adult is laugh once I make sure the person is OK!

I know, I am a horrible person!

Or am I?

Guest Faints Live on Morning Show

LIFE - Poison

Situation 1: I call an attractive young lady I met in my daily travels and attempt to hang out with her. She says she's at 46Th street. My response, "I'm bout to stop by." All of a sudden she becomes stern about me meeting her at 56Th street(one of the rougher neighborhoods in the city ransacked with abandoned buildings). Obviously this was a set up. Showing up at this location would have left me with duck tape on my mouth and my pants pockets turned inside out.

Situation 2: I'm driving home and I stop at a red light when three women waiting for the bus ask me for a ride to South Street. I'm bored so I entertain the request with questions of my own. After all, I have nowhere to go until the light turns green. I notice that one of the ladies is carefully observing me. She peruses my vehicle to identify the model and studies my facial expressions while I speak as if I were some sort of ancient relic. As I continue my bored conversation with her friend, she chimes in and says, "Can you drop us off at 8Th and Cecil B. More." I am instantly puzzled as 8Th and Cecil B. More is nowhere near South Street. In fact the only thought that comes to mind regarding the low-income section of the city is projects, violence, and Stick Up Kids. Once again a set up. I can see it now. My face on the curb as the three women drive off in my car with their boyfriend who lives on 8Th Street.

I am sharing this info because the weather is about to break and the women will be out and about. I'm not saying that all women are the devil, but there are some that you must watch out for.

Don't be fooled by a bit butt and a smile. For some of these ladies are Poison.

Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison (1990)

LIFE - HUH

Have you ever been in a situation where the thoughts in your mind are traveling at lightning quick speed? Everything makes perfect sense in your head, but when you attempt to share your ideas with others everyone is lost like a kid in the department store. I can honestly say that I have been guilty of this on several occasions. There is one bright side however. I am never as lost in conversation as these two individuals.

Purple Rain - PASSWORD

I love this game

I know you are all as excited as I am that the start of baseball season is on the horizon. As we look forward to beer and hot dogs on a Sunday afternoon at Citizens Bank Park, there are several haters among us who believe that it's football or nothing. There are those who detest the great American sport of baseball with complaints like: "The game takes to long," "It's too hot too sit out here and watch," and "When does football season start?" I'm not going to say weather you are wrong or right. I'm just going to say that the sports do have some differences.

The late, great comedian George Carlin agrees with me.

Football or baseball

You can't apologize for everything!

You can say sorry for a lot of things. Farting, stepping on someones foot, and forgetting a loved one's birthday all qualify.

Committing murder, thievery, and wishing that you never had a career that afforded you millions of dollars do not.

Someone needs to let Vanilla Ice know that there are worse things in the world to be other than successful, famous, and wealthy.

Vanilla Ice says 'Sorry'


Arsenio Hall interviews Vanilla Ice about MC Hammer

I do not support abusers.

I'm pretty sure that this will not be a popular post. Someone, presumably a woman, may take this the wrong way. I just ask for a little patience and for you to bear with me.

I've been beaten over the head with this Chris Brown and Rihanna melodrama. I see them on televsison more than our newly elected President and that's saying a hell of a lot. I am TMZ and Superfical.comed out. I do not profess to be Perez Hilton or Anderson Cooper. I do however know that I was not in the car when their domestic disturbance occurred. Which is why I am not passing judgment until all of the details of the case are released.

I must say that I find it interesting that Chris Brown went from the milk drinking, adorable, heart throb to Ike Turner in a couple of weeks. Everyone, and it really seems like everyone, has an opinion on what happened with him and his girlfriend. Hell, even Oprah has chimed in. I wonder how she would feel if Chris Brown made comments about her failed relationships and made note of the fact that she is a billionaire, black, and single for gods sakes. That's like being a virgin, stripper, and having double D breasts. Then again, I'm not one to pass judgment.

Let's just be a litle patient before we judge.

P.S. If the TMZ pictures are authentic and this isn't a case of a young man losing his cool in the heat of the moment, then I completely agree with what everyone has said.

Oprah talks about Chris Brown & Rihanna

LIFE - Making Babies

There are certain things in life that are made for each other.

Chris Brown and Rihanna, Ike and Tina, Michael Jackson and children, peanut butter and jelly, kool aide and sugar, white people and rock n roll, black people and rhythm, old people and dentures, and my personal favorite SEX and CONDOMS.

It's a pretty simple concept for me actually.

Children not only come with a minimum 18 year lease, they also are accompanied by a mate that you may or may not like. Thus, safe sex is happy sex both mentally and physically.

It's sad to say that many professional athletes can add up their stats, but are unable to add up the amount of babies and baby mommas they have.

OTL: Children Out Of Wedlock

LIFE - Don't Forget to Laugh

I don't know about you but I sure could use a laugh. I need the adult equivalent of a Super Mario Brothers power up. Well, here you have it. Enjoy, giggle, turn red-faced (purple if your black), and thank me later!

Get Dunked on by Patrick Chewing Snickers Ad


SNICKERS Master P Commercial

Mcnugget neglect is a felony!

This is a true, yet sad story. Tragic actually. I have been there during one of my darker days. The walls feel like they are closing in on you and you can't breathe. Your butt starts to sweat and you think that this is the end. You cry out to a higher power and ask "Why?" It's just not fair. How dare McDonald's not have any chicken nuggets?. That is an offense punishable by death.

Movie of the Week

This movie was so good, we had to give you two movies of the week!

With catch phrases like, "Am I my brother's keeper?" and "Sit your five dollar ass down before I make change!!", do you need any more assurance that New Jack City is the movie of the week?

Fine: Chris Rock smoking a crack pipe. Need I say more?

Rent, buy, or steal "New Jack City" this week and watch Nino Brown's rise to power and his inevitable fall.

Joaquin Phoenix is RuFF Ryder!

Here we go again. You know the drill. Crazed hip hop artist performs at a shady establishment, things get out of control, and he attacks a patron. No silly, I'm not talking about DMX. I'm actually referring to Joaquin Phoenix. He is back on the rap scene again. Like many rappers, he too is starting to become annoying with his antics. Let's hope that there is a method to all of his recent madness.

Joaquin Phoenix makes art until someone gets punched in the face