Sincerely,
Professional Rationalist
10. Bobbi Kristina
Who would have thought that the daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston would experiment with cocaine? (Sarcastic gasp) I’m not going to piss on her for letting cocaine affect her life more than it already has.
She does get “wet up” for trying to tell us that it’s not what it looks like.
Looked like the making of Celebrity Rehab 2014 to me.
9. Cappie Pondexter
Apparently, this WNBA player feels no sorrow for the victims of the earthquake in Japan. I shouldn’t have to explain why someone gets pissed on when they make statements like, "What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in their own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes."
But for the record, she gets pissed on for having no remorse for the estimated 2,400 people who lost their lives seeing as though that it is 2,399 more than the number of people who will ever buy her jersey.
8. Short Sleeve Dress Shirts
I don’t care how hot it is outside. If you are going to wear a dress shirt make sure it has long sleeves.
Otherwise you get pissed on for looking like an Encyclopedia salesman.
7. Chris Webber
This past Sunday I watched one of the greatest sports documentaries about the Fab Five era of the University of Michigan basketball team. The only thing that would have made it complete would be if the team’s best player, Chris Webber decided to participate in the documentary.
He gets pissed on for being scarred to talk about the National Championship he lost.
6. Rifca Stanescu
This woman became the youngest grandmother in the world at the age of 23. Her daughter, who she had when she was twelve, had her first child at the age of eleven.
This mother and daughter duo gets the business for making the teenagers on the Maury Show look like virgins.
5. Reasons for High Gas Prices
Why is it that every time there is breaking news the next story to follow involves an increase in gas prices? There is a war in Iraq so the gas is higher. Japan has an earthquake so gas prices may triple.
What’s next...gas prices hit an all time high because they were pissed on this week for being ridiculous.
4. Nikolas Galiatsatos
This Pizza store owner was so desperate for business that he put live mice in his competitors’ pizza shops.
He gets pissed on for trying to sabotage the guy next door when he should have been working on making pizza that tastes better than Polly-O String Cheese.
3. Pajamas in the Day
I am sick and tired of seeing people walking around in public with their damn pajamas on. Since when is it cool to roll right out of bed and get your day started?
I’m pissing on anyone who goes to the mall in pajama pants, looking as if they had a slumber party at Macy’s.
2. PETA
Did PETA really think I wasn’t going to piss on them for using Waka Flocka as a spokesperson? Isn’t this the same guy who said “I don’t vote but voting is good?”
PETA gets the business for using someone whose IQ is lower than the animals they are trying to save, to convince me to not wear fur.
1.RSVP for ForePlay
Unless you have been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks you know that 31 Percent will be hosting the Official Spring Party at Vault on Saturday March 19th. To show our appreciation to the number of 31 Percenters who follow us on a regular basis we are giving you a top shelf open bar from 10PM-11PM for just ten dollars. All you have to do is RSVP here.
Anyone who is too lazy to click a link in exchange for free Grey Goose, Hennessy and Patron deserves the number one spot in this week’s urination.
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