Piss on Week 3.30.11

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist


10. Kevin Hart


I knew it would eventually happen. Comedian Kevin Hart finally crossed the line between funny and ignorant as hell. Take a look at his buffoon antics in the latest commercial for the new Ford Explorer.



He gets pissed on for making Flavor Flav look like Barack Obama. The only thing that could have made this commercial more ignorant would be if he put a 40oz. of Miller High Life in the cup holder.

9. Rebecca Black


Rebecca Black is the newest talentless teenage sensation to make a name for herself via YouTube. The thirteen year-old has done it all with her song “Friday”. I’m not going to tell you how bad this song is. Listen for yourself.



Anyone who makes me hate Fridays as much as this girl deserves to be pissed on.

8. Electronic Cigarettes


Apparently, the nicotine patch isn’t enough to help smokers kick the habit. Now they have electronic cigs to help them quit.

Electronic Cigarettes get the business for being another useless solution to nicotine addiction. What’s next? Candy cigarettes to the rescue?

7. School Police


I have no beef with school police Monday through Friday. But, when I see that car leaving the club on Saturday night we’ve got a problem.

I’m pissing on school police for clocking overtime on the weekends when the only person in the school is the janitor that lives in the science room.

6. Abercrombie & Fitch


As if kids aren’t growing up too fast already, Abercrombie & Fitch is selling push up bras for seven year old girls.

The clothing brand gets “wet up” on for trying to make little girls sex objects.

5. Check Code to Win


Remember the days when you twisted off the cap of your soda and were instantly told if you won $20 bucks at Footlocker. In case you haven’t noticed those days are long gone. Nowadays you have to go the company’s website and enter a bunch of letters found on the cap.


Soft drink contests get “wet up” for thinking that I’m going to hold on to a bottle cap until I get the time to go to the computer and see if I won.

4. Picky Homeless People


I tried to give a homeless man change the other day, and he had the nerve to suck his teeth at me in disgust. Pardon me sir, but you’re the one without a home.

I’m pissing on the homeless people who say “Can you spare a fifty dollar bill?” when there are people out there who are truly struggling.

3. Metro


The free newspaper distributed among major cities did a terrible job covering the death of hip-hop artist Nate Dogg. I’m just going to give you the first line of the article…

“Rap star Nate Dogg, who died March 15 at the age of 41 due to complications from various strokes (perhaps the thug life is not the healthiest)…”

I’m pissing on “Metro” for thinking that just because their newspaper is a joke gives them the right to make light of someone’s death.

2. Non-HD


Come on people! It’s 2011. Can we all promise to get HD televisions? I went to a bar recently and they had the nerve to have a non-HD television.

That bar and any place without HD gets pissed on for making the 2011 NCAA Tournament look like it should be on ESPN Classics.

1. Good Morning America


For once I’m going to be on Chris Brown’s side. Sure he went off on “Good Morning America” when they brought up the Rihanna beat-down incident, but how much more can the boy say about the incident. Since then, he has come out with a CD, starred in a movie, and has been pissed on twice!!

“Good Morning America” gets pissed on for bringing up old sh*t.

Movie of the Week: Shottas

Despite the fact that my entire family was born and raised in Philadelphia, at least once a day I am asked if I was born in Jamaica. So to honor my alleged roots, this week’s "Movie of the Week" is “Shottas.” This flick can best be described as the reggae version of “Scarface.” It has a very similar rags to riches story staring musical artists Spragga Benz and Kymani Marley, son of the infamous Bob Marley. So, just in case you run into the same dilemma as me and people question your non-existing Jamaican heritage, pick up some cool Jamaican phrases to say and watch "Shottas".

LIFE: Sweet Dreams

Sleeping is and forever will be one of my favorite hobbies. It can be refreshing, peaceful, and the perfect remedy for tough times. I once read about the REM cycle of sleep. During this cycle, we experience our most memorable dreams. From that moment on, I would compare my sleeping to this cycle.

When people fall in love, they often say that their relationship is like a dream come true. As if they fell asleep, entered the REM cycle, and woke up with the life they envisioned as a child. White picket fences, a travel companion, family pet, and the sound of children’s feet running up and down the stairs, and it was finally all theirs.

Some people are forced to wake up from their dream and deal with reality. Things do not work out with a mate, which relegates a harsh reality of sadness, insecurity, nervousness, and self doubt. Others watch their dreams turn into nightmares. Instead of having to fend off Jason, Freddie Krueger, and Chucky, they are left to deal with a relationship consisting of boredom, unhappiness, hatred, and worst of all pessimism.

We all look forward to falling asleep (being in love), but we never know what awaits us when our heads hit the pillow. The lucky ones enjoy a full eight hours of sleep while others have to be satisfied with a power nap. I wish you all sweet dreams and hope the bed bugs don’t bite. If you are anything like me, you are cranky when you don’t get a good night sleep.

Piss on Week 3.23.11

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.



Sincerely,



Professional Rationalist





10. E. Ness

Remember Elliot Ness from “Making the Band”? This guy went from a Bad Boy record contract to staring in a straight to DVD movie.



He gets pissed on for being another story of a talented Philly rapper who winds right back in Philly.



9. No Shoes in the Club





Imagine you are at a party, and you spot an attractive woman dancing with her girlfriends. Her hair looks good. She’s got an amazing body. As your eyes scroll down to check out her footwear you notice a major problem. She doesn’t have on any shoes!!



I’m pissing on the ankles of barefoot woman at clubs across America for getting way to comfortable. P.S. Don’t you know they don’t mop the floor at most clubs. SMH



8. “You Got a Light?’





Why is it that people go through a pack of cigarettes a day but never have a light? That’s like a barber going to work with no clippers, a carpenter with no tools. The Professional Rationalist with no need to urinate.



Smokers who ask you if you have a lighter get pissed on for being unprepared.



7. Wiz Khalifa





They say everyone changes when they start getting money, but I didn’t know that with the money comes the urination. Wiz Khalifa has gone all Hollywood and dyed a patch of his hair blonde.



In turn, he gets pissed on for looking like Tech from “The Real World.”



6. Nike





As much as I love Nike’s collection of 90s sneakers, they have to get a throwback urination for a mistake that they made years ago. For some reason they choose not to sign Larry Johnson, the number one pick in the 1991 NBA Draft.



They get pissed on for passing on a certified break winner for less known players.



5. Terrible Comedians





I understand that not everyone can be good at their job, but a terrible comedian should be the first one to notice that they suck at their profession.



I’m pissing on any comedian that does five shows where nobody laughs, and still thinks he has a shot at making it big.



4. Sammy Hagar





Former member of the rock group “Van Halen” believes that he was abducted by aliens a few decades ago through Wi-fi connection.



He gets pissed on for not knowing the difference between an alien abduction and incredible drugs.



3. Mike Tyson





The latest installment of reality television gives us a behind the scenes look at Mike Tyson and his pigeon racing.

Iron Mike gets pissed on for bringing a very unnecessary new meaning to the term featherweight.



2. Barack H. Obama Elementary School

Did you know that last year the Bangs Avenue School in New Jersey changed its name to honor President Barack Obama? Apparently many parents didn’t know either seeing as though the school will be closing due to a Any time you can’t get people to go to a school named after the first black president you deserve to be pissed on.



1. Mariah Carey





Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are having twins. Urination comes into play on this one because Mariah wants to make sure her four dogs are okay with it. Mariah sent her dogs to a psychologist to make sure that they will be able to handle the transition.



She gets pissed on for being so concerned with making sure the pups and the twins “go back like babies and pacifiers.”

Skeletons in the Closet

We all have at least one skeleton in the closet. That one person that we wish we never would have slept with. For some ladies it might be the guy who lets her ride the subway for free everyday. For some guys it could be the girl at the bar who tried too hard to get you drunk and succeeded. No matter how many skeletons you have it can’t be worse than NBA basketball player Delonte West, who for the past few years has been alleged to have slept with former teammate LeBron James’ mom!

What could Delonte’s excuse possibly be? I really care about her? Was it revenge for LeBron taking too many shots? In my opinion, his best bet would be to get the band together and give the only excuse possible…

Can I borrow a Quarter?

As a child I knew that I didn’t have much, but I always realized I had more than others. “Much” back in middle school meant being able to go to the store after class to buy your favorite junk food. I was willing to share my funds and my food with my friends because Snoop Dogg explained that “it aint no fun if your homies can’t have none.” In the 4th grade I would routinely support my buddy Jack. I had a soft spot for him. He wore tattered clothes, was big for his age, and had been left back. Over time, Jack started to take my kindness as a weakness and refer to me as his favorite candy bar: Payday. I ignored it. I figured he was either jealous of the little extra money I had or embarrassed that I gave him money. One day, I confronted Jack, challenged him to a fight, and wondered to myself if I had rubbing alcohol and band aids in the medicine cabinet at home. To my surprise, Jack shouted, “It’s about time.” He explained that I was being too nice, and that I couldn’t let people take advantage of me. He was glad that I finally stood up for myself. In a weird turn of events, Jack became my enforcer. I wonder if Jack has any kids. If so, they could earn a big payday by helping out the bully in this video.

31PercentLife.com Presents ForePlay

You’ve read our opinions on dating, followed our fashion advice and reflected after reading our life post… hell you even avoided being pissed on. Now it’s time to party with us! Come join 31 Percent as we say goodbye to the cold weather at ForePlay: Philly’s official spring party at Vault Ultra Lounge.

This event will embody everything that is 31 Percent. Good music and great people at Philadelphia’s premier party location, not to mention drink specials throughout the night!

To show our appreciation for your support we are giving away a FREE VIP table complete with bottle service. All you have to do for a chance to win is check out the twitter application on the right of the blog page.

This is going to be a night you don't want to miss. Click here for details.

My Bad, Sorry, Opps

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. That is what mothers always tell their children. Trust me, my mother and aunt would utter those same words to the Professional Rationalist and I as we horsed around. We didn’t learn our lesson until we fell down the basement steps and landed on our stable of big wheels and bikes. Lesson learned. Let’s hope that the game show in the video below will do the same.

Pillory Malfunction Faceplant - Watch more Funny Videos

SPORTS: Dunk's Away

My knees hurt me every day. Sad to say, I don’t have a dunk in my past to show for my aches and pains. Unless you count the windmill and 360 dunks that I threw down on the nerf hoop attached to my bedroom door. ESPN columnist Rick Reilly may be able to take me in a nerf dunk contest. This video illustrates that he has no regard for his body.


Rick Reilly's Monstrous Slam Dunk - Watch more Sports

It turns out that white men can jump. Checks out this player from a small college in Illinois throw it down.



Blake Griffin can do more than dunk the ball. He can also act. In the clip below he plays the role of Mars Blackmon as he attempts to help a tight end from USC get drafted in next month’s NFL draft.

Piss on Week 3.16.11

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist


10. Bobbi Kristina


Who would have thought that the daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston would experiment with cocaine? (Sarcastic gasp) I’m not going to piss on her for letting cocaine affect her life more than it already has.

She does get “wet up” for trying to tell us that it’s not what it looks like.
Looked like the making of Celebrity Rehab 2014 to me.


9. Cappie Pondexter


Apparently, this WNBA player feels no sorrow for the victims of the earthquake in Japan. I shouldn’t have to explain why someone gets pissed on when they make statements like, "What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in their own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes."

But for the record, she gets pissed on for having no remorse for the estimated 2,400 people who lost their lives seeing as though that it is 2,399 more than the number of people who will ever buy her jersey.

8. Short Sleeve Dress Shirts


I don’t care how hot it is outside. If you are going to wear a dress shirt make sure it has long sleeves.

Otherwise you get pissed on for looking like an Encyclopedia salesman.

7. Chris Webber


This past Sunday I watched one of the greatest sports documentaries about the Fab Five era of the University of Michigan basketball team. The only thing that would have made it complete would be if the team’s best player, Chris Webber decided to participate in the documentary.

He gets pissed on for being scarred to talk about the National Championship he lost.

6. Rifca Stanescu


This woman became the youngest grandmother in the world at the age of 23. Her daughter, who she had when she was twelve, had her first child at the age of eleven.


This mother and daughter duo gets the business for making the teenagers on the Maury Show look like virgins.


5. Reasons for High Gas Prices


Why is it that every time there is breaking news the next story to follow involves an increase in gas prices? There is a war in Iraq so the gas is higher. Japan has an earthquake so gas prices may triple.

What’s next...gas prices hit an all time high because they were pissed on this week for being ridiculous.


4. Nikolas Galiatsatos


This Pizza store owner was so desperate for business that he put live mice in his competitors’ pizza shops.




He gets pissed on for trying to sabotage the guy next door when he should have been working on making pizza that tastes better than Polly-O String Cheese.

3. Pajamas in the Day


I am sick and tired of seeing people walking around in public with their damn pajamas on. Since when is it cool to roll right out of bed and get your day started?

I’m pissing on anyone who goes to the mall in pajama pants, looking as if they had a slumber party at Macy’s.


2. PETA


Did PETA really think I wasn’t going to piss on them for using Waka Flocka as a spokesperson? Isn’t this the same guy who said “I don’t vote but voting is good?”

PETA gets the business for using someone whose IQ is lower than the animals they are trying to save, to convince me to not wear fur.

1.RSVP for ForePlay



Unless you have been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks you know that 31 Percent will be hosting the Official Spring Party at Vault on Saturday March 19th. To show our appreciation to the number of 31 Percenters who follow us on a regular basis we are giving you a top shelf open bar from 10PM-11PM for just ten dollars. All you have to do is RSVP here.

Anyone who is too lazy to click a link in exchange for free Grey Goose, Hennessy and Patron deserves the number one spot in this week’s urination.

FASHION: Sneaker Fever

Spring weather makes me want to run to the store and buy every cool sneaker in sight. Since Jordan’s are my guilty pleasure, when I came across the video below, I couldn’t find my credit card fast enough. I also couldn’t stop from drooling as I watched some of the most innovative sneakers of all time dance across my computer screen. The only problem that I have is deciding which shoe to purchase. Help a sneaker lover out people….which shoe should I rock?

www.akam1k3.com presents: "AIR JORDAN RETRO I-XXII STOP MOTION" from Michael Angeles on Vimeo.

Life: Refusing to Be Regular

Last Sunday, I decided to take a walk downtown to clear my head after a long weekend. As I gathered my thoughts, pondered my future and dreaded the work week ahead, I began to notice an eerie similarity among all of the buildings. It wasn’t the meter maids writing tickets like they were going out of style or the pan handlers setting up shop in prime location. It was the fact that the top floor on just about every building had the lights on with someone working diligently as if it were a Tuesday afternoon. These were the CEOs and presidents of major organizations throughout the city. My perception of these individuals has always been someone who takes two hour lunch breaks and leaves work early. That idea was put to rest as I passed building after building with the same view. I began to realize just how important working harder than everyone else truly is. It’s not that these individuals are smarter than most, they just have the drive to put in the extra time. This got me to thinking about a more serious issue. The people that need to put in the extra time rarely do. The guy in the mail room that wants a promotion leaves every day at five on the dot. The woman that wants a raise makes sure she gets her full hour lunch break. While these hourly employees are taking their situation for what it is, the salaried individual who has the office with a view is refusing to be regular (average or typical).

A major problem that people of all backgrounds face is stagnation. People feel as though they are destined to live according to the lifestyle that they were raised in. People refuse to progress and are comfortable with what they are given. They wish they could be the guy in the luxury car instead of crafting a plan to make that purchase on their own. Being satisfied paying bills and having just enough money left to go out on the weekend is the epitome of being regular. It’s difficult to watch people live this way of life. So many talented individuals fall short of their aspirations simply because they don’t put in the time. Talent alone rarely breeds success. No matter how skilled you are at your craft, it is mandatory that you continue to work at it. Whether you are one of the top college athletes or an up and coming accountant at your job, if you don’t put in the time to get better you will never reach your full potential.

You often hear people complaining that this way of life takes up too much of their personal time. The thing is the time you spend at work is your time. It’s the time that you are spending to better your career and pursue future endeavors. It is the time that you are investing to be able to afford the lifestyle that you want for you and your family. Working half assed is unacceptable. No one ever says “I’m only going to partially enjoy myself at this party tonight.” So why do we take this attitude when it comes to work? Your work should be a reflection of you. You would feel offended if someone looked you in the face and called you regular. Yet people’s work ethic reflects that every day.

I know that there are going to be individuals that disagree with me and feel as though corporate success is not the most important thing in the world. They have no desire for the pressure that comes with the big office on the top floor. Perhaps my words alone are not enough to capture these individuals. Some people have to fall victim to a common way of life before realizing the necessity of diligence. Maybe they have never seen what happens to someone who thinks that natural talent is enough to get by. These people just have to see the reality of being just regular. Luckily, for them, Bill Cosby provided a scared straight tutorial.

Ink, not Mink

Insightful rap fans take Waka Flocka for what he is. A high energy rapper, that makes catchy songs, that amps you up and gets the party started. Those of us in the know would never consider him a lyricist or thinker like Nas, Chuck D, or KRS One. Waka illustrated his lack of intellect in this clip when he discussed the importance of voting. Somehow, Waka’s lack of smarts didn’t stop PETA from making him their spokesperson. Some would say that you can lower your IQ by listening to Waka’s music for an extended period of time. Whoever made the decision to partner with him must have had his most recent album on repeat.

Fashion: Time to go Tanning

As Spring weather continues to approach, clothing is getting lighter in color and texture to get you ready for the season. Tan has always been a classic spring color to brighten up life after the dark dreary winter. From head to toe there are many tan pieces that you can find in stores everywhere. Here's a few that cool ones...

Gucci Akerman Open-Toe Bootie

Ralph Lauren Black Label Cabled Silk Tank Dress

Ralph Lauren Cotton-Linen Hooded Cardigan and Shorts

Mark McNairy New Amsterdam Wingtip Blucher

Burberry Spring Collection

Ralph Lauren Blue Label Desert Adley Chino Harem Pants

Mitchell & Ness Philadelphia Phillies Ground Ball Hoody

Piss on Week 3.9.11

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Chris Brown



No, Chris Brown’s hair color is not the result of a camera flash. This fool really dyed his hair blonde.

He gets pissed on for being Sisqo 2k11.

9. Yung L.A.


Apparently this guy didn’t realize that I pissed on Gucci Man for his face tat. Yung L.A. gets the business for getting the Mighty Ducks logo tatted on his face.

Not even Emilio Estevez got that tat and he was in the movie.

8. Celebrity Apprentice


The new season of the reality TV show “Celebrity Apprentice” will feature Nene Leakes from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and La Toya Jackson. Pardon me, but can you really call either of these individuals celebs?

“Celebrity Apprentice” gets pissed on for forgetting that the keyword in their title is celebrity.

7. Porn Theatre


“Transformers” and “The Hangover” are flicks that were acceptable to catch at the movies with a friend. “Hot Soccer Moms in Action Vol. 5” is not.

I’m pissing on porn theaters for their pure existence and anyone who buys popcorn at such an absurdly sleazy establishment.

6. The After Midnight Menu


Imagine you just had a great night at the club and you want to stop and get a snack from McDonalds on your way home. It’s late so you only want a medium number four and two apple pies. Everything is going well until the drive through attendant tells you that they only serve large meals after twelve a.m. Who in the hell do these fast food places think they are forcing me to be a fat ass.

They get pissed on for saying they can only serve the large when I can see the medium container of fries chilling in the back.


5. Lupe Fiasco


Say it ain’t so? Did Lupe Fiasco say that he didn’t vote for Barack Obama?

He gets pissed on for being considered a conscious rapper, yet making a conscious decision to not partake in deciding the future of America.

4. Lindsay Lohan


Just when I thought Lindsay Lohan was turning her life around she is accused of stealing $2,500 dollars worth of jewelry.

She gets pissed on for not knowing how to stay the hell out of the media. Just sit down somewhere.


3. BYU


Bringham Young University dismissed one of the school’s best basketball players for breaking the schools ethics code. What was the infraction you ask? He had sex with his girlfriend.

BYU gets pissed on for ruining its chances at winning the NCAA Championship over a little premarital sex. Hey BYU! It’s not 1938 anymore so leave the kids alone.

2. Charlie Sheen


Charlie Sheen capped off a ridiculous week by threatening to decapitate his estranged wife and send her head to her mother.

Hey Charlie, winners don’t cut their wives’ heads off. Pissed on for being a complete weirdo...Pissed On!

1. Kim Kardashian


Damn Kim, two weeks in a row. Kim Kardashian’s new song with The Dream is quite frankly trash.Don't believe me? Go ahead and listen. I'll Wait.


She gets pissed on for not realizing that the only business venture I care to see her partake in is another sex tape.