White is right!

Being cool and white is a pretty hard thing to accomplish. So hard, that as a minority, when you meet someone that is cool and white, you often catch yourself saying, "He or she is a cool white dude/chick." The best part of the cool white person experience is hearing a white person brand another white person as a "cool white dude/chick." The moment is truly a tear jerker. It makes me want to share a Kentucky Fried Chicken combo, a fruit salad consisting of extra slices of watermelon, play basketball, and watch the film Juice with one of my white comrades.






Dolla Dolla Bill

The news can be fun!

Recently, I have taken a liking to the news. We have a love/hate relationship. I LOVE hearing the news but HATE the way it is reported. Jimmy Fallon and the Roots may have officially become my 31Percents news affiliates. Let us know what you think. We may have a winner.

Jimmy Fallon and the Roots Slow Jam the News

Mike Tyson still has IT!

I am white girl, oh my god, 90210, Clueless, happy to see this movie. This is my Star Wars, Ten Commandments, or Scarface. This was the scariest man in the world for nearly a decade. Now he is one of the scariest people in the world for a host of other reasons. He is the biggest what if of all time!

What if he had better people in his life?

What if he had managed his money better?

What if he never met Don King?

What is he had never gone to jail?

OMG, OMG, OMG!

Tyson Trailer - Mike Tyson Documentary

MOVIE OF THE WEEK - Wierd Science

Science has come a long way. Vehicles can parallel park themselves, a man walked on the moon, cloning is possible, and the jerri curl is no longer flammable. The film "Weird Science" may have been the inspiration for many of our current great scientific minds.This movie not only challenged intellectuals, it also focus on love, race, and age. To top it off, it is a comedy junky's ultimate fix. You may O.D. from laughter.

Weird Science Trailer

Piss on you Week 3.30.09

9. Robert Tracy
This Coatesville Fire Captain was supposed to be protecting people from the hazards of fire. Instead he had been fingered as the culprit behind two fires set in the town last week.

He gets the business for putting the people at risk.




8. Dame Dash

I am personally saddened by the fact that my boy Dame is making my list. As former best friend of Jay-Z and CEO of the ROC he was one of the freshest guys in the business. Who could forget his claim of popping tags everyday and never wearing the same sneaks twice?

Nowadays Dame gets the business for falling off and being spotted with a blatant tear in his imitation leather jacket.




7. Drug Dealing Dummy
I couldn’t believe this. Just listen!!

Man does drug deal while on the phone with 911


6. Old Guys in the Club


I’m sick of seeing old guys in the club (Allah Reggie Miller above) flashing their money, and reliving their youth. News flash, your 40 plus and by that point and time in your life you should definitely have enough money to buy out the bar.

These geezers get pissed on for not putting that money in an IRA and spending their Friday night playing Poker at Jimmy’s house.


5. Octomom

No, she is not a cartoon superhero who can clean your nose from miles away and has vacuum cleaners for arms. Octomom is a dumbass who has 14 kids and lives in a four bedroom house. She gets the business for firing the free nanny service provided to her by Doctor Phil. Seriously, the government should ban some people from having babies.

4. Virginia State Trooper

A few weeks ago I got a speeding ticket for doing 80 is a in a 65 MPH zone. I know the law is the law, but it was 12AM and I was the only car on the road for crying out loud. Pardon me officer, but to pull someone over for speeding when they are the only car on the road for the next three exits is piss worthy indeed.

Look at the bright side officer, you can write me a ticket for public urination.

3. Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey has a book out that allegedly teaches women all the secrets to getting a good man. He gets pissed on for thinking that as a middle aged man who hasn't dated in almost two decades, he has all the answers. Hey ladies, if you want to know what a man wants, ask the man that you are interested in.


2. T-Pain


There is nothing wrong with watching the infamous Ray J/Kim Kardashian sex tape. Hell, I’m watching it as we speak.

T-Pain gets pissed on for thinking it’s acceptable to watch it and then comment on someone’s man hood.


1. Snuggie Owners

Before I take it upon myself to pee on you guys let me ask you a few questions. Before the Snuggie did your arms ever get so entangled underneath a blanket that you were trapped due to its brute strength? Were you physically unable to read a book or talk on the phone while under blanket? Was your 5’8 frame ever in dire need of a 6’10 blanket?

I guarantee that you answered no to each of those questions, and that is why you are all being pissed on for buying a damn Snuggie!

LIFE - AIDS Testing

Have you ever taken an AIDS test...EVER?

If not, you should.

Now, before you go, please remember that it will be one of the hardest things that you have ever done. From personal experience, I can assure you that you will think back to every 50/50 (clean or lethal) person that you slept with. Your heart rate will rise, blood pressure spike, and butt sweat.


Your life's goals and ambitions will cross your mind at lightning speed.


Hopefully your test will come back negative and you will learn a very valuable lesson: 51/49 is a lot better than 50/50

When there is smoke, there isnt always fire.

Pretty soon, the cloud of smog covering most of California will actually be marijuana smoke. The state of California is considering taxing recreational pot use and using the proceeds to pay off some of its debt. This is a brilliant and some what rational idea if I do say so myself.

The War on Drugs has been going on since Nancy Regan asked Arnold to say "No to Drugs" during an episode of Different Strokes.

I have a funny feeling that this plan will simply go up in smoke.

State considers marijuana tax


Diff'rent Strokes - Reporter - Minisode

LIFE - Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold”

Whenever I hear the real version of this song I think of an older woman going through menopause. Yes, folks, I really am random! This clip simply made me laugh. On a deary day like today, a smile is pretty much all you can ask for.

Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold”

Los Colorados, hot and cold reprise Katy Perry
by nico-eteignez

Retro music is dope!

I love retro music and I am not talking about old Public Enemy or Run DMC. I'm referring to Journey and Rocky soundtracks. I have no idea why. I do know that when it does come on, I instantly get the eye of the tiger and can't stop believing. I actually downloaded all of the Rocky soundtracks. Yep! And I am damn proud of it too.

Rocky IV Montage - No Easy Way Out


Journey Separate Ways Remake


Happy Halloween From Michael McDonald

Supermarket Sweeps

I'm in the checkout line at the super market and these two seven year old girls turn to me and say, "Ohhh! Your phone is decent. Where did you get it?" Me realizing that they are seven I decided not to get into the detail so I simply said the store. That's when they tell me "It's a Verizon jaun right?" At seven years old, why do they know about what phones cell phone providers have to offer? As I sit there confused they both begin reading the glammour and gossip magazines at the checkout counter. "Look at Jordan Sparks. Look at 50 Cent all up on that jaun. Oh let me read about Rihanna." I can't blame these kids for this foolishness for their grandmom was reading right along with them!

Parents/guardians... Get your kids heads out of the bullshit and into the books.


Sincerely,


Professional Rationalist

LIFE - Bitches VS Cool Chicks

Princess Diana


My mom raised me on her own. Thanks I think:) Although I must add that when she had sex she did not have me in mind. My grandmother is my Consigliere. I slept in the same room as my mother's sister (aka my aunt) until I was five or six years old. I say all of this so that you understand that I love, appreciate, and admire women. I respect them and have been known to befriend them.

Now that I have completed my disclaimer, you should know that I hate BITCHES.

I will give you a moment to gather your thoughts and get over the shock of bitches appearing before you in capital letters.

Now, their is a not so subtle difference between a bitch and a cool chick.

A cool chick normally comes from meager beginnings, raised by cool parent(s), was once overweight, played a sport, had older male brothers/cousins, or had a unique bond with an older relative. Cool chicks have the ability to be one of the guys, demand respect, and light up a room. Mothers ask their sons why they aren't dating their "cool" friend, grandfathers dote over the cool chick, uncles lust after them, guys protect them, and the family animal lays in their lap. The cool chick is Gods way of making up for all the damage that EVE caused.

Bitches are the Devil's first born. They always seem to have an attitude. Something always bothers them. In the summer they are mad that it is too hot. In the winter they wish that it was warmer. The spring is too windy for their hair. At the bar they have to be the center of attention. However, when a man approaches, they are rude. If their friend meets what appears to be a nice gentleman, they immediately find a flaw in him. If you get a raise or achieve a life long goal, you're bitchy friend down plays the accomplishment. Even though God or whichever higher power that you believe in has been kind enough to bless these women (I use that term loosely) with the perfect combination of beauty, brains, and charm somehow they manage to blow it and decide to use their powers for evil just like the characters in our favorite cartoons.

I don't think I have to continue much further. I can feel you reading this and thinking of your BITCHY friend right now. Countless bitchy stories came to your mind instantly and they all had one star: (insert your friends name her). In your heart of hearts, you know she will one day get what she deserves: a long miserable life filled with cats, stretch marks, and a husband(s) that was once a hot stud but suddenly obtained a beer belly and lost all of his hair.

TAKE THAT BITCH



“I Love New York” star Tiffany Pollard

You can bust a gut!

The first time I saw Something About Mary I laughed uncontrollably. At one point it actually hurt. I thought my stomach was going to come out of my gut. This feeling is called "Busting a gut."

I just got that feeling all over again because of the clip below.

Hold on to your stomach tight. Trust me.

Butt Naked Wonda, Big Brotha Thunda and The Masta Blasta

Fruit Sneakers

Nike Air Max One Made of Fruit

About a year ago I went on an interview for an internship and I was asked what two things I would not be able to live without. My honest response: Sneakers and Fruit. Just imagine it... Magnificent mango swirling with Swoosh logos. A cornucopia of cement patterned Jordans overflowing with oranges. As you can see I'm getting carried away. Nontheless, someone has answered my prayers and combined my two passions.



Nike Dunk Made of Fruit

LIFE

Life can be like a Rubik's Cube. Everyone seems to think that they have it all figured out when you actually figure it out as you go along. All of the things that you have been either told or taught go out of the window when the frustrations of the cube come into play.

And this brings us to our new series entitled LIFE. 31Percent will attempt to help you solve the Rubik's Cube as we educate you about difficult LIFE issues.

How to solve a Rubik's Cube (Part One)


How to solve a Rubik's Cube (Part Two)

Forward Worthy

We all feel have felt the need to send a text message when something unrealistic happens to us. It usually leaves the individual receiving the text wishing that they were right there with us. It's the only time that a text message is worthy of being longer than 20 characters. This segment of the blog will consist of those text-worthy moments of my life. I may be in class, I may be at a basketball game, or possibly just intoxicated at the bar. Nonetheless, a random text is only a few taps of the thumb away.

Ron Howard loves booty!

Let's cut right to the chase. Ron Howard is in this video. Ron Howard, "Happy Days" Ron Howard. Balding white man Ron Howard. Award winning director Ron Howard in a video with T.N.A. Do I have to say more? Type more? Why are you still reading? This is freaking Ron Howard people. Your parents watched this guy as a kid. Now he is blaming it on the alcohol. Where is the Fonz when you need him?

Jamie Foxx - Blame It (feat. T-Pain)

First Day on the Job

Today was rough. I woke up at about 8:00 AM and headed down to the block. There were tones of guys already out their moving that product. I figured I had a busy day ahead of me. I had the advantage on my competition seeing as though my stuff was in high demand. Sure they had the downers, but no one was trying to pay the price so my uppers would do. Things quickly began to pick up at about 10:00 AM. I had a few inquiries from nervous patrons who drove down from the burbs to cop their fix. I even sold a set for wholesale price. The feeling I get from making a hand-to-hand sale is exhilarating. It’s not all fun and games though. I had beef with a few guys who said I was on their territory and the cops were on my ass about illegal trafficking. I approached a middle aged man to see if I could be of any service, but he just shook his head in disgust. Those are the type of people that irritate me. I can only sell what the people want, right? So he shouldn’t be mad at me for trying to put a few dollars in my pocket.

It began to rain so I was willing to move that weight for less than retail. This oldhead approaches me looking for some product. I was a little hesitant about doing business with him because he looked a bit shady. I finally agreed to talk business when he stated that he wasn’t a cop. He must of thought I let my guard down because he started requesting I give him a two for one deal trying. It wouldn’t have really hurt my pockets to do so, but it’s the principle. If you let them off the hook once, they will keep coming back expecting cheap prices. So I told the guy, “The price is what it is. If you don’t like it then step! They got that cheap stuff down the way, but not over here,” The man let out a sigh and reluctantly said, “Fine. Just give me two tickets for tonight’s Villanova game and I will be out of your way.” I must say, I did pretty well for my first and last day as a ticket scalper.

Piss on You Week 3.16.09

10. Marco Jaric

NBA player Marco Jaric was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Philadelphia. Though he was cleared of all charges, he gets pissed on for putting himself in that position. Why would any man ever make eye contact with another woman when your wife was the lovely Victoria Secret model Adrianna Lima.

9. Jeremy Moffet

This jackass accidentally fired his gun while sitting in a York Tech classroom. Why he is so paranoid that needs to have a gun in class, with his finger on the trigger is beyond me.

Nonetheless he gets pissed on for not knowing about a little device called a safety.

8. Wine and Spirits

Wine and Spirits stores are increasing prices in order to finance etiquette training for employees.

They get pissed on for honestly thinking that I want to spend extra money to hear someone say please and thank you at the liquor store.

7. Tony Van

If you are going to court on theft charge there are a few things you may want to do in order to better your chances of a not guilty verdict. Wear a suit. Bring your grandmom to testify on your behalf. Being on time may even help. Don't be this ass and drive a stolen vehicle to court.

6. Bennett Goldworth

This guy lost his $4 million when he invested everything he had with a shady broker. Many of you are thinking how could I piss on someone who is so unfortunate? First of all, I do not feel sorry for anyone who has a cool $4 mill to lose. Second of all, he doesn’t even sound upset as he wears his Burberry scarf.

He gets pissed on for throwing all of his four million eggs into one weak basket.

5. Pacman Jones


NFL troublemaker Pacman Jones has been filming for the TV show, ”Pros vs. Joes”, in which he competed against a sales rep from Boston on the football field. Maybe Pacman will take this opportunity to show the NFL that he’s not so bad after all? Wrong!

Pacman gets the business for letting another opportunity at NFL stardom fall by the waist side.

4. Jamie Foxx


So Jamie Foxx is filming a movie in my city. At first I thought it was rather cool, but I swear this man is invading my life right now. I’m walking to my car and I see Jamie Foxx. I go to the club and I see Mr. Funny man. Cemetery around the corner from my mom’s house, it’s Jamie. So of course I had to dig into the archives and find a piss-worthy moment in this man’s career. Please begin watching this video at 8minutes and 29 seconds and you will agree that this is it.

3. Neyo
If this pic isn’t enough explanation for you, then you are getting pissed on too.


2. Twitter Readers


This new social phenomenon is just plain stupid. People check in to find out exactly what celebs are doing. Why do you care about the every move of someone that you do not know? Messages are as idiotic as “In the locker room at half time”, by professional athletes or “Picking up groceries,” by Ashton Koutcher.


If I had one here is what my Twitter post would read: “Pissing on anyone who thinks Twitter is acceptable. WATCH YOUR EYES!”

1. Southwest Flight Attendant



I like rap music. I really do. I like to listen to it in the shower, while I’m driving, and even while I’m studying. However this flight attendant gets the ultimate urination for thinking that I need it to follow directions.

LIFE - Bad Breath

I occasionally brush my teeth before I go to bed. My dentist always hassles me to do so. She says that you only get one set of teeth and that you should cherish them. I wish more people were told this. She goes so far as to make up fake gum diseases to scare me into better hygiene habits.


Stank, the step brother of Stink, breath is a horrible offense that should be punishable with death by stoning. I would support "Stank Breath Taxes." Under this law, anyone that is found with stank breath would be forced to pay extra taxes at the end of the year.


The only thing that is worse than stank breath is a woman with stank breath. How nasty of a woman do you have to be that your breath stanks. If a woman has stank breath, you have every right to wonder what else on her body stinks. Does she reuse tampons? Yes that question is stank but it is legitimate.

If Double Mint is not working for you. If icebreakers become warm when you pop them in your mouth. Please do not give up. You only get one set of teeth.

LIFE - Verification Forms

I do not have 20/20 vision. I do not have x-ray vision like a super hero. At the same time, I do not walk around the city with a seeing eye dog and a cane. My eye sight is like most people's: average. I squint when I watch television. I wear contacts/glasses when I go to the movies and sporting events. I hate when it rains or snows when I drive because the visibility sucks.

One of the few things that I can never see are on-line verification forms. Maybe I would be able to read them if they were actually words. Websites, the cruel bastards that they are, make sure to place all of the letters and numbers that look alike (i.e. 6, G, C) in the same verification string.

I wish that we could make websites that email us bills or coupons fill out verification forms. My forms would read: I dont have it this month, my $ is tight, piss off, and bleep u.

Let's see them verify that.

Getting old is actually pretty cool!

I can't wait to get old. That is rocking chair old. When you reach rocking chair status you can do or say whatever you want and it is cute. My Jewish friend's grandfather still calls black people colored. He is not an editor for the NY Post. He is just an old Jew that grew up when the world was different.

To further my point, my grandfather called Philadelphia Eagles' quarterback, Donovan McNabb, "the black boy" for 4 seasons. He didn't mean anything by it. He simply is too old to learn everyone's name. By McNabb's 6th season, they were on a first name basis.

Being old has its privileges. You can throw people out of your house since you own it. You get to take the last piece of chicken. Most importantly, you get to feel women up and they smile.

I can't wait to get old and be just like Mickey Rourke.

Mickey Rourke Acceptance Speech Best Male Lead Film Independent's Spirit Awards 2009

LIFE: Automated telephone services hurt more than they help.

I am not mentally challenged. Some may say that I am retarded which indeed may be true. However, I am not mentally challenged. I say this because I am pretty sure that I am not the only person that feels mentally challenged when they are forced to work with an automated telephone service.

At times I feel like the big black guy from the film, Green Mile, as he walked to his death. I get nervous just thinking of pressing "1" for English. Suddenly, my butt cheeks are sweating and I have to use the bathroom.

The idea of speaking to a computer simply frightens me and presumably others. We tense up, hit the wrong number, select the wrong option, mumble when asked to verbally explain what we are looking for, and at times, hang up before before the process begins.


We end up speaking to a Spanish computer, saying the Our Father, telling the computer to suck our (insert inappropriate body part of your choice here), and singing the "hold" music.


Needless to say, the more our society progesses, the more we will utilize computer operated systems and the more we will all feel like Will Smith's character in I, Robot.

Happy B Day to you.... Blow out you Gun

If I told you someone was having a birthday party and to get in you had to pay their mom at the door, you would assume it was a 15 year old having a party with cake and ice cream. Instead it is Philadelphia rap legend Beanie Sigel hosting his 35th birthday party at Solo Nighclub on Delaware Ave. I think 35 is way too old to be in a Delaware Ave club, but to each his own. Known more for his rap sheet than his rap lyrics, the party ends like most events in Beans' life... gunshots. A man was shot in the chest and fighting ensued outside of the club. The entire ordeal proved one thing to me.. this guy will always be a reckless old head.

Sports aren't what they used to be.

Sports are supposed to be fun. They normally are while you are young. Friendships are created, lessons are learned, and stories that will be told countless times develop.

The relationship between children and sports has changed over the years for a number of reasons. Television, broken households, and intense media coverage are just a few.

The recent brawl between G.W. Carver High School and Valley High in Alabama during a basketball game made me realize how old I am. When I was younger I would have brushed it off. As I watched the video, I kept hoping that no one got hurt.


That's not the kind of story that I want to tell too many more times.

Alabama High School Riot Brawl Carver-Montgomery Valley Boys State Tournament Basketball Game

Movie of the Week - The Program

This week, Florida State's athletic program was caught with their hand in the cookie jar. They got in trouble for breaking just about every rule in the book. Catch the 90's flick "The Program" to see a theatrical version of how it probably all went down. My alleged twin Omar Epps plays the hotheaded freshman running back and James Caan will make you feel bad for all of the mess that a head coach has to go through in NCAA football.

The Program

What comes up does come down..especially when it comes to weight!

Your weight is one of the few things that you can't lie to yourself about. The mirror, scale, and the fit of your clothing reminds you how much weight you have either lost or gained. I am often amazed how people react to someone when they lose or gain weight. The most kind hearted souls can turn into a complete (insert you favorite curse word here) when you gain or lose weight. They mumble words or phrases that can be good or bad ("Wow." "Damn." "Oh." "Are you OK?" "Are you depressed?" "Did someone die?" "Are you pregnant?" "What happened?") no matter if you are in a public or private setting. Gaining weight sucks. Trust me I know. I have had more experience with the gaining part of weight as opposed to the losing part of the equation.


Jessica Simpson has to be feeling pretty crappy right about now. I feel for her. Even while dealing with the economy, the war, healthcare, and his ears (it must be tough with the wind and all), the President found time to chime in about her weight.

Volunteering can be fun.

There is a GOD! At least that's what was yelled by most men when they saw CNN's headline reading: Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women.

I received the good news by email from a good friend who just happens to be a physical therapist. Needless to say, I have a new found respect for PTs.


I challenge all able-bodied men to think long and hard (pun definitely intended) and make a change. Please, I beg you, VOLUNTEER and do your civic duty!

Akinyele - Just put it in your mouth

Butts can be ruder than people.

If you had your choice, would you rather have an ASS or a collections agency call you?

Some would say that they are both asses.

I'll leave that for you to judge.

I will say this, ass calling is actually a form of respect.

Ass calling proves that the caller has the callee in their phone, and has called them recently.

The callee should be happy that the caller didn't fart in their ear and say, "Can you hear me now?"

T-Mobile BlackBerry Pearl Flip "Butt Dialer"

Piss on you Week 3.9.09

9. Reebok


First it was Jay-Z with the S.Carter shoe collection. Then 50 Cent had a line of kicks. Now Reebok plans to give rap duo Kidz in the Hall their very own sneakers.

Reebok gets urinated on for thinking that spoon feeding me rappers will somehow make them better than Nike.

8. Tyler Perry Movies

These movies are the ultimate chick flicks about nothing. I’ve seen Madea at a family reunion and I’ve seen her in jail. I’ve seen her in more places than I have seen Waldo. The sad part is people don’t even know what his flicks are about and go to see them just because his name is attached.

I’m peeing on Mr. Perry for giving me the same movie every six months.

7. Philadelphia Eagles

Some things should never F’n happen. Allowing Brian Dawkins to sign with another team is one of them.

The Birds get pissed on for letting their identity leave the nest.

6. Chicago Bulls

Let me get this straight. President Barack Obama shows his hometown squad some love and invites them to the White House. Then he comes to watch the Bulls take on the Wizards…AND THYE LOSE?

Sure the Commander in Chief smiled it off like he wasn’t stabbed in the back, but I’m going to do what he wanted to do himself

5. Sean Combs

Puffy Daddy…I mean Puff, or is it P Diddy? Hell the guy in the picture is dropping another album titled “Last Train to Paris.”

He’s getting the business for not realizing that it’s time to stop working on new material and focus on the greatest hits album.

4. Dumbass tattoos

Seriously, getting a tattoo of someone you do not know is probably not a good idea.

Getting a tattoo of someone you don’t know as a fictional character is even worse.

3-1. Deputy Paul Schene


I normally don’t give out multiples spots on this list for one offense, but this guys is worthy of the top three spots. This video shows a Seattle Deputy wailing on a defenseless teenage girl as she is in a holding cell.



You know what Paul Schene, I too am a Deputy. As Deputy of 31 Percent my job is to protect and serve. Protect the rights of citizens and serve you a well deserved urination.