I know I should have listened to my grandmother. Of all people, she would have known about this. She was married at 18. She had 3 kids before she was 30. Therefore, I am sure that she knew that people that eat their veggies have better sex. I will be stocking up on carrots, peas, and broccoli this weekend.
Vegetables: Too hot for TV?
Jumat, 27 Februari 2009
Rabu, 25 Februari 2009
Not sleeping can be a good thing.
I have a sneaking suspicion that you find yourself up late at times and watch infomercials just like me. I tend to get embarrassed by my love of infomericals and look around my apartment to make sure no one is secretly watching me. (And to answer your questions - no I do not smoke crack, believe in the boogie man, or sleep with a night light).
My love of infomericals runs deep.
A good friend received a "Snuggie" for Valentines Day and I was secretly jealous.
The best thing that I ever purchased in the wee hours of the morning was a Time Life Soul Music Collection. For only one low payment of $19.95, I received 7 hours of baby-making music.
Infomericals have saved the lives of more people than the police, firefighters and priests combined. Trust me. The criminals were at home watching infomericals for sure!
TV infomercials boom
The Snuggie...THE GREATEST BLANKET EVER!
Cash 4 Gold Super Bowl Ad - Cash4Gold
My love of infomericals runs deep.
A good friend received a "Snuggie" for Valentines Day and I was secretly jealous.
The best thing that I ever purchased in the wee hours of the morning was a Time Life Soul Music Collection. For only one low payment of $19.95, I received 7 hours of baby-making music.
Infomericals have saved the lives of more people than the police, firefighters and priests combined. Trust me. The criminals were at home watching infomericals for sure!
TV infomercials boom
The Snuggie...THE GREATEST BLANKET EVER!
Cash 4 Gold Super Bowl Ad - Cash4Gold
Wednesday's are worse than Monday!
I wake up on Mondays annoyed. I feel like Mondays always ruin a good weekend that was just getting started on Sunday.
Tuesday I'm pissed because I realize that I have four days to go until the weekend.
Today sucks. Wednesdays always suck. If you ran a report on your life, I would bet that most of the crappy things that that have happened to you occurred on a Wednesday.
However, I am here to help. When the chips are down, and you have a frown, who do you call?
LIL WAYNE.
Please, no need to thank me.
I am here for you.
Enjoy!
Lil' Wayne presents Letterman's Top 10 List
Lil Wayne Interview w/ Katie Couric
Selasa, 24 Februari 2009
Piss on you Week 2.23.09
8. The Radio
It's not too often that I listen to the radio. However, every now and then I turn it on to stay in the know regarding which songs are getting airplay. Recently, I tuned in to a local radio station. As I braced myself for idiotic lyrics, I was thrown for a loop. The host was explaining that her ex fiancé' is currently dating a friend of hers in Chicago. To make matters worse, she started crying, ON AIR, while talking to one of the callers about the situation. If I wanted to hear girl talk, I'd hang out at my mom's Hair Dresser.
Radio stations nationwide get the business for forgetting that it's all about the music.
7. Written apologies
Time after time celebrities get in trouble with the law and hit you with the written apology prepared by their lawyer. A-Rod, Michael Phelps, and Terrell Owens just to name a few. How am I supposed to believe that you are truly sorry, when you have to read a statement?
Pissed on for lack of sincerity.
6. Anti Sex Class Lawmakers
Georgia lawmakers are on a mission to rid the Georgia State curriculum of classes on oral sex and prostitution.
My philosophy: “If there are butts in the seats, then let em teach.” It’s not like these are kids in the classroom for crying out loud.
The lawmakers get the business for trying to tell adults that they can’t learn about sex.
5. LenDale White
The Tennessee Titans running back took it upon himself to beat a grown man with his belt after a minor traffic accident.
Who the hell died and made this man Daddy?
LenDale gets pissed on for not working out his anger issues before it came to this.
4. Dr. Dre
It was first reported that the super producer was working on a CD titled Detox to be released in 2004. Five years later still no Detox. I’m beginning to think I will see Tupac perform before this album drops.
Pissed on for making the people wait.
3. Marcus Jordan
Michael Jordan’s son loves to brag about how many sneakers he has. He claims that he has the freshest collection of Air Jordan’s of all time. Yes little man in the Thriller jacket, you do have some exclusive sneaks.
However, your Dad Owns the company! Hey Mike, it’s time to cut this spoiled brat off.
2. Waist Watchers
A beverage company by the name of Waist Watchers has the nerve to have both butterscotch and a chocolate flavored sodas sitting on the shelves.
While they are watching waistes getting bigger from these beverages, I’m going to take the time to give them the business.
1. Marlon Jackson
MJ’s brother has his heart set on building a slavery theme park in Nigeria. This is wrong on so many levels, but I am going to give him the business for not learning from his brother that theme parks are nothing but trouble for the Jacksons’
It's not too often that I listen to the radio. However, every now and then I turn it on to stay in the know regarding which songs are getting airplay. Recently, I tuned in to a local radio station. As I braced myself for idiotic lyrics, I was thrown for a loop. The host was explaining that her ex fiancé' is currently dating a friend of hers in Chicago. To make matters worse, she started crying, ON AIR, while talking to one of the callers about the situation. If I wanted to hear girl talk, I'd hang out at my mom's Hair Dresser.
Radio stations nationwide get the business for forgetting that it's all about the music.
7. Written apologies
Time after time celebrities get in trouble with the law and hit you with the written apology prepared by their lawyer. A-Rod, Michael Phelps, and Terrell Owens just to name a few. How am I supposed to believe that you are truly sorry, when you have to read a statement?
Pissed on for lack of sincerity.
6. Anti Sex Class Lawmakers
Georgia lawmakers are on a mission to rid the Georgia State curriculum of classes on oral sex and prostitution.
My philosophy: “If there are butts in the seats, then let em teach.” It’s not like these are kids in the classroom for crying out loud.
The lawmakers get the business for trying to tell adults that they can’t learn about sex.
5. LenDale White
The Tennessee Titans running back took it upon himself to beat a grown man with his belt after a minor traffic accident.
Who the hell died and made this man Daddy?
LenDale gets pissed on for not working out his anger issues before it came to this.
4. Dr. Dre
It was first reported that the super producer was working on a CD titled Detox to be released in 2004. Five years later still no Detox. I’m beginning to think I will see Tupac perform before this album drops.
Pissed on for making the people wait.
3. Marcus Jordan
Michael Jordan’s son loves to brag about how many sneakers he has. He claims that he has the freshest collection of Air Jordan’s of all time. Yes little man in the Thriller jacket, you do have some exclusive sneaks.
However, your Dad Owns the company! Hey Mike, it’s time to cut this spoiled brat off.
2. Waist Watchers
A beverage company by the name of Waist Watchers has the nerve to have both butterscotch and a chocolate flavored sodas sitting on the shelves.
While they are watching waistes getting bigger from these beverages, I’m going to take the time to give them the business.
1. Marlon Jackson
MJ’s brother has his heart set on building a slavery theme park in Nigeria. This is wrong on so many levels, but I am going to give him the business for not learning from his brother that theme parks are nothing but trouble for the Jacksons’
Anything can be Indian
Slum Dog Millionaire is at the tip of everyone's tongue. I must admit that it was a great film. I purchased two tickets and was not mad at myself when the credits ran at the end. The film got me thinking, What if more things that were considered American, were adapted to fit in Indian culture?
Step 1. Michael Jackson. Some would say that this doesn't look much different than the original.
Indian Thriller
Step 1. Michael Jackson. Some would say that this doesn't look much different than the original.
Indian Thriller
Senin, 23 Februari 2009
Forward Worthy
Hey, there is nothing wrong with living at home with your mom as an adult. I am recently removed from the back room at my mom's house, so who am I to ridicule the next man. Money may be tight, you may have a kid on the way, or maybe your mother could just use the extra help around the house. Whatever the case, it's none of my business. I just ask one thing: Don't lie and say that you and your mother are roommates!
I'm sick of people saying, "Nah. I don't live at home. My mom lives with me. We just splitting the bill is all." If this is true, then we are alright. However, if someone you know has been falsely claiming that they are roomies with their mother, then we have a problem. I have come to the conclusion that many people may not know the difference between living at home and being roommates with their mom, so I took it upon myself to give some friendly advice.
-If you have no idea how much the gas or electric bill is then you are not roommates.
-If you run to do the dishes when you hear your mom coming in the house, then that's not a roommate.
-If your company has to leave before your mom goes to bed, you are living with your mother.
-If you are not allowed to close your bedroom door, you are by no means roommates.
-Do you walk in the house and ask, "What's for dinner?" Yup you got it. You are living at home.
-If your mother still ends arguments with the phrase, "Because I said so" you are living with mommy.
I think you get the point. Like I said, by no means am I poking fun. I just think people need to learn the difference between being roommates with their mother and living with her.
Sincerely,
John " The Professional Rationalist" Butler
2Pac - Dear Mama
I'm sick of people saying, "Nah. I don't live at home. My mom lives with me. We just splitting the bill is all." If this is true, then we are alright. However, if someone you know has been falsely claiming that they are roomies with their mother, then we have a problem. I have come to the conclusion that many people may not know the difference between living at home and being roommates with their mom, so I took it upon myself to give some friendly advice.
-If you have no idea how much the gas or electric bill is then you are not roommates.
-If you run to do the dishes when you hear your mom coming in the house, then that's not a roommate.
-If your company has to leave before your mom goes to bed, you are living with your mother.
-If you are not allowed to close your bedroom door, you are by no means roommates.
-Do you walk in the house and ask, "What's for dinner?" Yup you got it. You are living at home.
-If your mother still ends arguments with the phrase, "Because I said so" you are living with mommy.
I think you get the point. Like I said, by no means am I poking fun. I just think people need to learn the difference between being roommates with their mother and living with her.
Sincerely,
John " The Professional Rationalist" Butler
2Pac - Dear Mama
Safe sex is the best sex.
The video below reminds me of three things:
First, the first time I had sex. I saw my potential partner's love zone and thought to myself: "That isn't how it looks on T.V."
Next, the first time I ever had a young lady in my mother's house. My mom wasn't home, but I made sure to keep extra quiet because I was sure that she either had the place bugged or that she had some secret mother hearing.
Finally, I have a good friend who once told me that was having sex that was so good that before ejaculation he took his condom off. Not so surprisingly, he has approximately 4 children, is not married, and has yet to turn 30 years old.
The moral of the story is that the safest sex is balloon sex!
Durex Balloon Animal Ad, "Get it on."
First, the first time I had sex. I saw my potential partner's love zone and thought to myself: "That isn't how it looks on T.V."
Next, the first time I ever had a young lady in my mother's house. My mom wasn't home, but I made sure to keep extra quiet because I was sure that she either had the place bugged or that she had some secret mother hearing.
Finally, I have a good friend who once told me that was having sex that was so good that before ejaculation he took his condom off. Not so surprisingly, he has approximately 4 children, is not married, and has yet to turn 30 years old.
The moral of the story is that the safest sex is balloon sex!
Durex Balloon Animal Ad, "Get it on."
Jumat, 20 Februari 2009
Piss on Week of 2.16.09
10. Lil Kim on Dancing with the Stars
For the life of me I can’t seem to figure out how this happened. Someone at the studio must have gotten it all mixed up and meant to schedule her for “Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong.” Nonetheless the Notorious K.I.M. is getting the Infamous P.E.E.
9. Congress’ Obsession with Baseball
We have some serious issues going on in the world today. Economic crisis, trying to discover a cure for AIDS, poverty, etc. And what are the big wigs of Congress concerned about… Baseball players taking steroids. The U.S. Attorney of Washington pissed away a year of tax dollars to prove that a baseball player that most Americans have never heard of took steroids. And now its time for me to return the favor.
8. Septa Bus Driver
One of Philadelphia’s public transportation drivers crashed his bus into a home after choking on a cough drop. The irony is that there is a sign on every SEPTA bus clear as day that permits eating and drinking of any kind.
Peed on for bending the rules.
7. Gift Card Recipients
So let me get this right. Somebody gives you free money and you just don’t use it? That seems to be the case according to the Downtown Bethlehem Association who has reported $25,000 in unclaimed gift cards across the small community. That’s twenty five grand sitting in sock drawers, the bottom of purses, and between the seat cushion….in just one small community! I’d go after gift card holders country wide, but I gotta save something for the rest of this week’s list.
6. Oregon House Bill 2461
Portland legislators are lobbying to raise the tax on beer a whopping 1,900%. This is the most insane thing I have ever heard of.
Why not just call the bill “Prohibition Returns”
5. Dwyane Wade
This basketball phenom knew he was going to get the business for his outlandish All-Star Weekend outfits. He even decided to color coordinate for the urination.
4. Rihanna/Chris Brown Drama
I don’t know why everyone is so surprised. The couples’ meltdown was bound to happen. Don’t you remember the last time two young R&B sensations hooked up?
Sure it was hugs and kisses at first:
But it wasn’t long until we started seeing more of this:
3. Steven Seagal Haters
For years I have been struggling to convince people that Steven Segal is the man. Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan are cool, but nobody talked trash AND whopped as like Steven Seagal.
I tell you what, you choose. Ten minutes in an alley with Steven Seagal or I can give you the ‘business’. Just as I suspected…. You probably chose to be pissed on.
2. Jason Richardson
This NBA jackass was caught going 90 mph hour in a 35 mph speed zone. You’re thinking to yourself, “That’s stupid, but surely not pee-worthy.” Here’s the catch. His three year old son was in the back without a car seat during the whole ordeal. Not even a seat belt! He gets pissed on for having that poor child sliding all over the back seat of his car.
1. PETA
Now before PETA turns around and tries to urinate on me, let me say that I’m all for protecting the rights of animals. Now that I got that out of the way…. Those fools are out of their freakin’ minds! First they send Michael Vick a letter saying he must undergo physiological evaluation and a brain scan before they “let” him do a PSA. Now they are writing letters to Super Bowl QB Kurt Warner begging him to adopt a dog.
I think it’s time someone wrote a letter to PETA:
Dear PETA,
You don’t rule the world so stop acting like it! Kurt Warner and the rest of us will buy a dog anyway we please. Enclosed you will find a sample of my urine. Sprinkle on your staff as needed for being an overbearing organization.
Sincerely,
Professional Rationalist
For the life of me I can’t seem to figure out how this happened. Someone at the studio must have gotten it all mixed up and meant to schedule her for “Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong.” Nonetheless the Notorious K.I.M. is getting the Infamous P.E.E.
9. Congress’ Obsession with Baseball
We have some serious issues going on in the world today. Economic crisis, trying to discover a cure for AIDS, poverty, etc. And what are the big wigs of Congress concerned about… Baseball players taking steroids. The U.S. Attorney of Washington pissed away a year of tax dollars to prove that a baseball player that most Americans have never heard of took steroids. And now its time for me to return the favor.
8. Septa Bus Driver
One of Philadelphia’s public transportation drivers crashed his bus into a home after choking on a cough drop. The irony is that there is a sign on every SEPTA bus clear as day that permits eating and drinking of any kind.
Peed on for bending the rules.
7. Gift Card Recipients
So let me get this right. Somebody gives you free money and you just don’t use it? That seems to be the case according to the Downtown Bethlehem Association who has reported $25,000 in unclaimed gift cards across the small community. That’s twenty five grand sitting in sock drawers, the bottom of purses, and between the seat cushion….in just one small community! I’d go after gift card holders country wide, but I gotta save something for the rest of this week’s list.
6. Oregon House Bill 2461
Portland legislators are lobbying to raise the tax on beer a whopping 1,900%. This is the most insane thing I have ever heard of.
Why not just call the bill “Prohibition Returns”
5. Dwyane Wade
This basketball phenom knew he was going to get the business for his outlandish All-Star Weekend outfits. He even decided to color coordinate for the urination.
4. Rihanna/Chris Brown Drama
I don’t know why everyone is so surprised. The couples’ meltdown was bound to happen. Don’t you remember the last time two young R&B sensations hooked up?
Sure it was hugs and kisses at first:
But it wasn’t long until we started seeing more of this:
3. Steven Seagal Haters
For years I have been struggling to convince people that Steven Segal is the man. Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan are cool, but nobody talked trash AND whopped as like Steven Seagal.
I tell you what, you choose. Ten minutes in an alley with Steven Seagal or I can give you the ‘business’. Just as I suspected…. You probably chose to be pissed on.
2. Jason Richardson
This NBA jackass was caught going 90 mph hour in a 35 mph speed zone. You’re thinking to yourself, “That’s stupid, but surely not pee-worthy.” Here’s the catch. His three year old son was in the back without a car seat during the whole ordeal. Not even a seat belt! He gets pissed on for having that poor child sliding all over the back seat of his car.
1. PETA
Now before PETA turns around and tries to urinate on me, let me say that I’m all for protecting the rights of animals. Now that I got that out of the way…. Those fools are out of their freakin’ minds! First they send Michael Vick a letter saying he must undergo physiological evaluation and a brain scan before they “let” him do a PSA. Now they are writing letters to Super Bowl QB Kurt Warner begging him to adopt a dog.
I think it’s time someone wrote a letter to PETA:
Dear PETA,
You don’t rule the world so stop acting like it! Kurt Warner and the rest of us will buy a dog anyway we please. Enclosed you will find a sample of my urine. Sprinkle on your staff as needed for being an overbearing organization.
Sincerely,
Professional Rationalist
You can't dance if you want to!
Some people should never, ever, ever, dance. No matter what the occasion is, how many people are in attendance, or how much alcohol has been consumed. My grandmother is one of these people. She does the chicken dance to every song no matter how fast or slow it is. I am sure that you the reader just came up with 5 of your own family members or friends off the top of your head. We can officially add Jim Carey to that list.
50 Cent and Jim Carey On Stage Performing "In Da Club" Live @ Sundance 2009
50 Cent and Jim Carey On Stage Performing "In Da Club" Live @ Sundance 2009
Kamis, 19 Februari 2009
Movie of the Week - The Fan
We are happy to introduce the Movie of the Week to our blog. Each week we will provide you with a selection that we have recently viewed and are sure that you are going to love. Don't believe me, check out our first pick!
The Fan
Robert Deniro takes the same psychotic obsessions that he possessed in the 'Taxi Driver' and displays them on the baseball diamond. The movie pairs Deniro with Wesley Snipes who plays a baseball player who is a splitting image of Barry Bonds. This film is a must watch for thrill seekers and baseball fans alike.
Trailer: The Fan
The Fan
Robert Deniro takes the same psychotic obsessions that he possessed in the 'Taxi Driver' and displays them on the baseball diamond. The movie pairs Deniro with Wesley Snipes who plays a baseball player who is a splitting image of Barry Bonds. This film is a must watch for thrill seekers and baseball fans alike.
Trailer: The Fan
Michael Phelps is a mass MURDERER!
When I entered my junior year of high school, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a memorable speech. She explained that I would soon be acquiring more freedom and that I would begin to spend less time under her watchful eye. In exchange for my freedom, she requested a few things from me so that she could maintain some peace of mind.
First, she asked that I didn't drink or do drugs. When I laughed at the drinking segment of the discussion, she settled on no drugs. She explained that our family has not had many issues with drug abuse but we do have a checkered past with alcohol.
Next, she asked that I call her for a ride whenever I had too much to drink. She promised to send someone to pick me up, no questions asked. I laughed at the idea of this only to find out years later that my uncle often used my grandmother's taxi service.
Finally, she pleaded with me to wear a condom. The thought of my grandmother, sitting on the edge of her bed, offering to buy me condoms if need be, lowers my sex drive just thinking about it.
I left her bedroom feeling weird, thankful, loved and in need of a stiff drink. I had a new found respect for my grandmother and began to look at her as a regular woman that had rolled a blunt, used a condom, and prayed to the porcelain gods after a long night of drinking her favorite alcoholic beverage.
Whoopi Goldberg seems to be cut from the same cloth. I hope she gets a chance to chat with Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps marijuana mess!
"The View" Elisabeth Hasselbeck Attacks Michael Phelps For Smoking Marijuana--Whoopi Defends
First, she asked that I didn't drink or do drugs. When I laughed at the drinking segment of the discussion, she settled on no drugs. She explained that our family has not had many issues with drug abuse but we do have a checkered past with alcohol.
Next, she asked that I call her for a ride whenever I had too much to drink. She promised to send someone to pick me up, no questions asked. I laughed at the idea of this only to find out years later that my uncle often used my grandmother's taxi service.
Finally, she pleaded with me to wear a condom. The thought of my grandmother, sitting on the edge of her bed, offering to buy me condoms if need be, lowers my sex drive just thinking about it.
I left her bedroom feeling weird, thankful, loved and in need of a stiff drink. I had a new found respect for my grandmother and began to look at her as a regular woman that had rolled a blunt, used a condom, and prayed to the porcelain gods after a long night of drinking her favorite alcoholic beverage.
Whoopi Goldberg seems to be cut from the same cloth. I hope she gets a chance to chat with Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps marijuana mess!
"The View" Elisabeth Hasselbeck Attacks Michael Phelps For Smoking Marijuana--Whoopi Defends
Rabu, 18 Februari 2009
You are a reflection of the company you keep.
You really are a reflection of the company you keep. Crack heads don't hang out with millionaires for a reason. If you hang out with a moron, you will undoubtedly do moronic things.
Case in point.
Crooks run into pole
Surveillance video catches two criminals, handcuffed together, running into a pole.
Case in point.
Crooks run into pole
Surveillance video catches two criminals, handcuffed together, running into a pole.
Selasa, 17 Februari 2009
Bills, BILLS, bILLS, BiLlS
by: The Professional Rationalist
Bills are the worst things that I have ever encountered in my life. The only difference between being a kid and an adult is having bills. I don’t know about you, but if I didn’t have to pay rent, car insurance, and a ridiculous rate to talk on my cell phone, I certainly would not work. Why can’t I go back to the days when my only concerns were watching marathons of the “Cosby Show?” I’d promise to pay attention this time around when Dr. Huxtable taught Theo the value of a dollar by using Monopoly money. Instead I’m stuck at home complaining about how much I spend on a cable bill just to watch the prime time TV classic. When you hear people say, “I wish I were a kid again,” they are truly proclaiming their disdain for bills.
Bills are the only things in life that are never late. Attractive dates arrive late all the time. Every flight I have ever taken experienced some type of delay. Hell, Thanksgiving was late this year for god’s sake. There is nothing wrong with these things being late every now and then. It gives us extra time to prepare; however, bills could care less if you are ready. At the end of the month you can bet the house that they will be there lurking in your mailbox.
Additionally, don’t you just love how bills take so long to get to the point? My State Farm bill is three pages of insurance crook jargon. It is line after line of service charges followed by company mottos, legalities, and the infamous fine print. Each month, I receive three pages of lingo that if translated into English would read: “Amount due $129.48.” Honestly I would feel more comfortable if they mailed me a yellow sticky with the amount due, signed State Farm.
My biggest pet peeve with bills occurs when the due date falls on Sundays or Holidays. I find this infuriating because banks are closed, the mailman doesn’t deliver, and the staff of the bill collectors are home with their families complaining about their own tab. So riddle me this… How am I supposed to get the funds from the bank and who is going to deliver them to you? Even if I do miraculously manage to get it there, no one is around to open the damn envelope.
Every two weeks I get my paycheck and go through the same arduous process. First, I look at the amount of overtime I put in and I smile, daydreaming of all of the purchases I can make. The cartoon clouds appear over my head and read: “I can get two pairs of Jordan’s. We need a Simpson’s pinball machine for the apartment. Dinner is on me tonight.” Then reality sets in and the clouds pop. I start to mumble to myself: “Rent is due. It was twelve degrees this month so gas is double. Look like its Noodles ah la Cup for dinner.”
Moving forward, I have plans in the works for these dreadful bills. I will remove the numbers from all the houses in the neighborhood that signify addresses. I am going to purchase a viscous pit bull and house him next to my mailbox so that the mailman cannot deliver any bills. Better yet, I will relocate at the end of every month. Who am I kidding? It’s impossible to avoid the monthly drudgery. I should just surrender for they will catch me no matter what. I have online billing.
Bills are the worst things that I have ever encountered in my life. The only difference between being a kid and an adult is having bills. I don’t know about you, but if I didn’t have to pay rent, car insurance, and a ridiculous rate to talk on my cell phone, I certainly would not work. Why can’t I go back to the days when my only concerns were watching marathons of the “Cosby Show?” I’d promise to pay attention this time around when Dr. Huxtable taught Theo the value of a dollar by using Monopoly money. Instead I’m stuck at home complaining about how much I spend on a cable bill just to watch the prime time TV classic. When you hear people say, “I wish I were a kid again,” they are truly proclaiming their disdain for bills.
Bills are the only things in life that are never late. Attractive dates arrive late all the time. Every flight I have ever taken experienced some type of delay. Hell, Thanksgiving was late this year for god’s sake. There is nothing wrong with these things being late every now and then. It gives us extra time to prepare; however, bills could care less if you are ready. At the end of the month you can bet the house that they will be there lurking in your mailbox.
Additionally, don’t you just love how bills take so long to get to the point? My State Farm bill is three pages of insurance crook jargon. It is line after line of service charges followed by company mottos, legalities, and the infamous fine print. Each month, I receive three pages of lingo that if translated into English would read: “Amount due $129.48.” Honestly I would feel more comfortable if they mailed me a yellow sticky with the amount due, signed State Farm.
My biggest pet peeve with bills occurs when the due date falls on Sundays or Holidays. I find this infuriating because banks are closed, the mailman doesn’t deliver, and the staff of the bill collectors are home with their families complaining about their own tab. So riddle me this… How am I supposed to get the funds from the bank and who is going to deliver them to you? Even if I do miraculously manage to get it there, no one is around to open the damn envelope.
Every two weeks I get my paycheck and go through the same arduous process. First, I look at the amount of overtime I put in and I smile, daydreaming of all of the purchases I can make. The cartoon clouds appear over my head and read: “I can get two pairs of Jordan’s. We need a Simpson’s pinball machine for the apartment. Dinner is on me tonight.” Then reality sets in and the clouds pop. I start to mumble to myself: “Rent is due. It was twelve degrees this month so gas is double. Look like its Noodles ah la Cup for dinner.”
Moving forward, I have plans in the works for these dreadful bills. I will remove the numbers from all the houses in the neighborhood that signify addresses. I am going to purchase a viscous pit bull and house him next to my mailbox so that the mailman cannot deliver any bills. Better yet, I will relocate at the end of every month. Who am I kidding? It’s impossible to avoid the monthly drudgery. I should just surrender for they will catch me no matter what. I have online billing.
Leaving tags on your hat is cool again!
Did you ever leave the tag on your baseball cap in the early 90s? (Come on! I'm sure you did. If you didn't, I'm sure you know of someone who did). Then you will understand why I thought Aretha Franklin didn't take the holiday bow off the hat that she wore during President Obama's Inauguration. I assumed that she got the hat for ChristmasKwanzaaHanukkah and forgot to take off the bow.
Silly me!
Silly me!
Senin, 16 Februari 2009
All models cant walk the run way
Damn you diseases. First VD, then HIV, then cancer, now sepsis. Good lord. I want to be the first to say.."Fuck sepsis."
No one should die without their hands and feet. That is unless they are in the Italian mob and they need to be taught a lesson.
No one should die without their hands and feet. That is unless they are in the Italian mob and they need to be taught a lesson.
Jumat, 13 Februari 2009
Love is not priceless!
I am proud to admit, sort of, that I was virgin until I was approximately 18 years old. I never got the usual young men's infatuation with sex. Truth be told, whenever I got teased for being a virgin, I would explain that I was turning down more sex than my friends were getting. This would inevitably end the discussions because my statement was 100 percent true. Now, if I had my thinking hat on the right head back when I was a teenager, I would have done something like this with my virginity.
Virginity going for over $3.7M
Virginity going for over $3.7M
Kamis, 12 Februari 2009
Gym partners do help you loss weight.
One of my closest friends is getting married in October which means....DRUM ROLL PLEASE....
I have to take my fat, belly having, KFC eating, late night snack, cold McDonald's eating ass back to the gym. If I start now, I will have plenty of time to start, stop, and start going back to the gym before his wedding date.
With the assistance of these helpful little people, I will be in tip top shape sooner than I can say, "Can I have a number two with cheese, a Coke, and two apple pies?"
Rabu, 11 Februari 2009
It's so hard to say good bye!
I like people. I really do. I would consider myself a people person by nature. However, I do have my limits. I HATE THE FIST BUMP. It is one of the few issues that I have with our new President, Barack Obama.
I worked with a gentleman once that liked to do the fist bump. He was a lovely, personable, middle-aged white man. We talked frequently about everything under the sun. When we would leave for the day, he would initiate the fist bump in front of people in my age bracket that knew that the first bump was not in style. This would render me helpless. I had two options: (1) go through with the first bump or (2) leave my friend hanging.
Since I am a people person I went through with it and walked away with "I just ate McDonald's and I need to find a toilet" speed.
The Dap Project (HFAM)
I worked with a gentleman once that liked to do the fist bump. He was a lovely, personable, middle-aged white man. We talked frequently about everything under the sun. When we would leave for the day, he would initiate the fist bump in front of people in my age bracket that knew that the first bump was not in style. This would render me helpless. I had two options: (1) go through with the first bump or (2) leave my friend hanging.
Since I am a people person I went through with it and walked away with "I just ate McDonald's and I need to find a toilet" speed.
The Dap Project (HFAM)
Selasa, 10 Februari 2009
Nice guys can finish first!
I was not always the cool young man that you presently know and love. I was once painfully shy. For example, my Catholic Middle school had a Friday tradition that consisted of students wearing their own clothes for the day and attending a dance party for the last hour and a half of the day. Since I always had my good looks and charm, my female classmates would beg and plead (it was actually more like ask but just let me stroke my own ego) with me to dance with them. Me being 'Mr. Shy Guy" I faked so many injuries I would have made any famous, over-paid, spoiled athlete proud.
Maybe in the back of my mind, I was scared to do this!
SNL Jizz in my Pants
Maybe in the back of my mind, I was scared to do this!
SNL Jizz in my Pants
Senin, 09 Februari 2009
We call can't be rap stars!
My grandfather has a thing for Sean Combs aka PDiddy aka Puffy. I would bet good money that he thinks that they are three different people. He likes the way he dresses and carries himself.
My grandfather also has a man crush on Jay Z. He likes his choice in women.
I say all this because if my grandfather fell and bumped his head and suddenly chose to be a rapper, he would sound better than Joaquin Phoenix.
Joaquin Phoenix rises from the ashes as a rapper
Minggu, 08 Februari 2009
Piss on You Week 2.9.09
As many of you may know, I am a firm believer that idiots should be pissed on. Why you ask? It's the ultimate form of disrespect. Punching someone out is soo 90s, Slapping them is too reminiscent of WWF, and spitting on them is not manly at all. The only alternative is to pee on them, preferably by the ankles. Without further adieu, here is this week's list of people who deserve to be pissed on.
- "The Professional Rationalist"
8. Madame Melons
I like big boobs as much as the next guy, but this is just too much.
Madame Melons gets pissed on for being too top heavy.
7. GoDaddy.com
For three years GoDaddy.com has wasted money on high priced, racy Super Bowl advertisements. Did you really think that adding Danica Patrick to your circus would make me finally check out your website.
GoDaddy.com gets the business for assuming that sex always sells.
6. 3-D
Why is it still cool to watch a movie in 3-D? It’s the cheesiest form of entertainment imaginable, but we still have 3-D movies hitting the big screen and cameos during Super Bowl commercials.
It’s the only technological advancement from the 60’s that is still here today. We no longer play records at parties, we stopped playing Atari, and floppy disc have gone out the window.
I’m taking the liberty of burying 3-D and I’m pissing on its grave.
5. Corie Blunt
The former NBA journeyman was arrested for selling marijuana. Marijuana though? I’m not condoning selling drugs nor do I know anything about it beyond watching Scarface or American Gangster, but I do know that kids in high school sell grass. Not a first round NBA draft pick who made $14,361,735 during an eleven year career.
4. Commemorative Coins
How in the hell are you going to charge somebody $9.99 for a quarter. I don’t care whose face is on it.
Brett Favre
Teddy Roosevelt
Bob Marley
A quarter is a quarter and I’m peeing on anybody that wants more than 25 pennies for one.
3. The State of Washington
We all know that the economy is a mess, and we all want logical answers as to how to change things. So imaging you live in Seattle and find out that your state came up with the “bright” idea of using raffles to raise money. All these economists and city planners and the best you can come up with is a raffle?
Don’t worry citizens, they will be calling it the Golden State when I’m done.
2. Punxsutawney Phil
Every year on February 2nd urination worthy individuals swarm to Pennsylvania to watch their beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil come out of his hole. If he sees his shadow its six more weeks of winter; if he doesn’t spring will arrive early. I wouldn’t have to piss on you guys if your man Phil was accurate, but according to StormFax Weather Almanac he’s only right 39% of the time. Pissed on for poor choice of a weather man.
1. Jonathan Xavier
He gets urinated on for storming the court of a nationally televised college basketball game to argue a call against his brother.
He gets the shake before the zip for doing it while on parole for drug related charges.
Until next time folks!
- "The Professional Rationalist"
8. Madame Melons
I like big boobs as much as the next guy, but this is just too much.
Madame Melons gets pissed on for being too top heavy.
7. GoDaddy.com
For three years GoDaddy.com has wasted money on high priced, racy Super Bowl advertisements. Did you really think that adding Danica Patrick to your circus would make me finally check out your website.
GoDaddy.com gets the business for assuming that sex always sells.
6. 3-D
Why is it still cool to watch a movie in 3-D? It’s the cheesiest form of entertainment imaginable, but we still have 3-D movies hitting the big screen and cameos during Super Bowl commercials.
It’s the only technological advancement from the 60’s that is still here today. We no longer play records at parties, we stopped playing Atari, and floppy disc have gone out the window.
I’m taking the liberty of burying 3-D and I’m pissing on its grave.
5. Corie Blunt
The former NBA journeyman was arrested for selling marijuana. Marijuana though? I’m not condoning selling drugs nor do I know anything about it beyond watching Scarface or American Gangster, but I do know that kids in high school sell grass. Not a first round NBA draft pick who made $14,361,735 during an eleven year career.
4. Commemorative Coins
How in the hell are you going to charge somebody $9.99 for a quarter. I don’t care whose face is on it.
Brett Favre
Teddy Roosevelt
Bob Marley
A quarter is a quarter and I’m peeing on anybody that wants more than 25 pennies for one.
3. The State of Washington
We all know that the economy is a mess, and we all want logical answers as to how to change things. So imaging you live in Seattle and find out that your state came up with the “bright” idea of using raffles to raise money. All these economists and city planners and the best you can come up with is a raffle?
Don’t worry citizens, they will be calling it the Golden State when I’m done.
2. Punxsutawney Phil
Every year on February 2nd urination worthy individuals swarm to Pennsylvania to watch their beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil come out of his hole. If he sees his shadow its six more weeks of winter; if he doesn’t spring will arrive early. I wouldn’t have to piss on you guys if your man Phil was accurate, but according to StormFax Weather Almanac he’s only right 39% of the time. Pissed on for poor choice of a weather man.
1. Jonathan Xavier
He gets urinated on for storming the court of a nationally televised college basketball game to argue a call against his brother.
He gets the shake before the zip for doing it while on parole for drug related charges.
Until next time folks!
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