New Talent

I watched Eddie Murphy's Raw the other day and realized that I was fortunate to see him in his prime. He had a slew of hit movies and stand up comedy specials under his belt before he hit his mid twenty's. I can only imagine how exciting it was as a fan to see his metaphoric rise from Saturday Night Live cast member to international star. Who knows, the comedian listed in this video, who recently signed with Saturday Night Live may be the next big thing.

Piss on Week 9.27.10

Warning!! No one in the following blog post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to discribe how outrageous and unforgiveable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who fines this segment offensive has the right and the duty to be pissed on as well.

Sinceely,

Professional Rationalist


11. Timberwolves

The Minnesota basketball franchise took out a full page ad that said, "So will we challenge for the NBA championship this year? Not likely."

Needless to say they get pissed on for thinking anyone will buy season tickets.

10. T.I. and Tiny

Tipp, didn’t you just get out of jail? So why the hell are you riding around with Miss Piggy and with drugs in the car?

I’m pissing on T.I. for being dumb before the court system does.

9. Using Your First Email Address


Seriously, anyone who is still using their very first email address of sexixoxoxoo@aol.com has my permission to change to you’ve just been pissedon@31percent.blogspot.com


8. Gieco








I was going to piss on the Geico insurance company for having three mascots.

Instead I think I’ll give the business to the Gecko and the Stack of Money that’s always following you for aggreing to share a job that’s easy enough for one Cave Man to do.


7. Tony Sparano


It’s not that I think that he’s a bad coach, but anybody that looks like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s deserves the business.


6. The Phone Book


I have no need to search through 3,000 people whose last name begins with an “S” to find a friend from high school when I have Facebook, Twitter, Google, and Friendfinder.com. Pissed on.


5. Floyd Mayweather


Pretty Boy gets the business for taking time from counting his money and being arrogant to slap up his baby’s mother like she was a sparring partner.


4. Victoria Secret

Re-selling used underwear is more than just nasty; it’s downright right Piss-worthy.



3. Cereal

Is it just me or does the cost of breakfast cereal keep going up and the boxes keep getting smaller?

I’m pissing on America’s #1 breakfast for forcing me to settle for General Crinkle when I want Captain Crunch.

2. Drake


Drake has a new song with Lil’ Wayne called, “Gonorrhea.”

I know it probably wasn’t his idea, but he gets pissed on for not knowing when to say no an idea for a song.

1. Mr. Belding

I know you’re only as old as you feel. But no matter how young he feels Mr. Belding is too old to be partying in Vegas with girls this young.

Mr. B gets pissed on for popping bottles with Saved By the Bell...The 2012 Class

Microfiber State of Mind

When I was looking to furnish my apartment I had one requirement: Microfiber Couches. People looked at me like I was crazy for being so adamant about the material. Some thought that price range or quality should have been at the top of the list, but I knew not to neglect the “New Suede.” Three years and numerous beer and pasta sauce stains later, the couch still looks brand new. I never have to worry about the occasional spill when people are over. It’s nothing a little bit of water, a wet rag and Febreeze won’t cure. This got me to thinking. What if I could apply the Microfiber technique to every aspect of my life?

Imagine if you could take the same no worries, I can clean it up approach to missing a credit card payment, running late for work, or mailing your rent check on the 15th when it was due on the first? Sure everyone else is looking at you like your crazy for having a nonchalant attitude regarding these incidents, but you know that by tomorrow there will be no visual recollection of the mishap. Call me a dreamer, but I wish I could live a life of microfiber.

To be Crazy or not to be Crazy

I love crazy people. Part of me is also jealous of them. I wished I had the ability to do the wild things that pop in my head on a daily basis. If that were the case, I'd walk down the street in a blue suite blazer, boxer briefs, and dress shoes with sweat socks, while drinking a beverage with an umbrella in it. I'd only speak like a 70's pimp. I'd go to all the places that I despise because of their long lines. I'd go to the Post Office and mail something, to the supermarket for groceries, and Target for house supplies. I'm sure people would be more than willing to let me come and go as I pleased.

Ron Artest must have been in a rush as well when he decided to drive a REAL race car on the streets of L.A. Let's just hope that he stayed in the passing lane.

Old men can jump.

You may be too old to order a Happy Meal, or ride the bus for free, but this college hoops player shows that you're never too old to play basketball.

How low can you go?

I am dying to try yoga. I finally faced facts: I'm getting old and am not as limber as I once was. Getting to a yoga studio, buying a mat, and finding a pair of yoga pants that fit (nice visual huh?), are the only things holding me back.

I could learn a thing or two from the guy shown in this video. He is more flexible than silly putty.

Philly Flavor

Apparently I’m not the only one that realizes that the city of Philadelphia is a big deal. This week alone Trey Songz, Rick Ross and Obama (twice) were running the streets of Philly. Sure Rick Ross was only here on to grab a cheesesteak from Max’s and Obama shut down all of I-95, but neither can say that their appearance was canceled before they even arrived due to the chaos that Trey Songz created.

Fans Riot for Trey Songz at FYE in Philly!



Rick Ross aka Rosay Hittin The Streets in North Philly- Black and Nobel

Don't t touch my ball

I got hit with a line drive baseball once. I had begged my Little League coach to play short stop. He finally relented and low and behold, I got hit in the crotch with the ball. I rolled around in the dirt for a while like a fish that was on a hook and thought that my dream of having a baby with my then imaginary girlfriend, Janet Jackson, was over. As you can imagine, this video brings back painful physical and emotionally drama for me.


The Seize Testicles

Sucks being a Mets Fan

As a Philadelphian, there is nothing that I love more than to make fun of Mets fans. Looks like someone beat me to the punch with this video.


New York Mets Commercial - Now Hiring

Dirty Balls

I love taking showers. I use them as my own personal think tank. I use a sponge and not a wash cloth. Yea I said it. I have sensitive skin OKAY!! Give a guy a break. I do not however have overly dirty balls like this AXE commercial describes.

Clean Your Balls with Axe

Piss on Week 9.20.10

Warning!! No one in the following blog post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to discribe how outrageous and unforgiveable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who fines this segment offensive has the right and the duty to be pissed on as well.

Sinceely,

Professional Rationalist


10. Death at a Funeral


The only way I could possibly piss on an all-star movie cast featuring Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock and Tracey Morgan would be if they were to remake a film that literally came out three years before.

Death at a Funeral Trailer


9. Carl Greene


The Director of the Philadelphia Housing Authority recently foreclosed on his $615,035 home. Talk about irony. I guess if anyone can relate to Housing Authority tenants falling behind on rent it should be this guy.

8. Nyjer Morgan


I honestly think this guy had every intention of making my list this week. His actions in a game against the Florida Marlins sealed his fate.

There is nothing wrong with charging the pitcher, but when you get beat up by an entire team and walk away as though you were victorious, we have to get ya.


7. Pregnant Smokers


Hey ladies! It’s not 1954. You all know the risks of smoking during a pregnancy. Put down the cigs and pick up a book of names for crying out loud.

6. Joaquin Phoenix


If the star is not showing up for the movie premier then why should anyone go see it?

I’m pissing on the deranged actor for all of the pissed off fans who were in attendance.


5. Pajamas


Wearing pajamas is like going to sleep in a dress shirt.

I’m giving the business to anyone who doesn’t know how to let loose. Grab an old tee shirt and go to bed.

4.Burger King Breakfast


Burger King gets the business for trying to offer me the most important meal of the day when they haven’t perfected their french fries yet.

3. Rev. Terry Jones


I didn’t listen to much of what the Priest said when I was in Catholic School, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t say anything about burning the Quran.

Jones gets the business for not doing on to others as he would want others do on to him.


2. Shake Weight

Now I’ve seen everything! I’m not going to say what it looks like these gents are doing.



I’m just going to say that it deserves making this week’s list.

1. Antonio Cromartie
I love kids as much as the next guy. But when you can’t remember how many you have, it’s time for us to give you a 1,000 box of condoms and a #1 spot in this week’s urination.

A case of the Monday's or should we say LiL Wayne's

Happy Monday.

We hope you had a great weekend. Since it was the second week of the NFL season and many of you enjoyed wings, beer, pizza, and many other fatting tailgate favorites in an attempt to stretch out the nice weather and ignore the hint of Fall, it's a certainty that you are hung over and feel BLAH.

Trust me, we know how you feel. If someone asks how you feel, just tell them you fee like Lil Wayne in his prison id photo.

You don't have a case of the Monday's. You have a case of the Lil Wayne's.

WELCOME BACK

Just like Chucky, T.I., Freddy Kruger, DMX, Lindsay Lohan, and Michael Jordan, 31percent.blogspot.com is back.

As you can see we have changed the blogs look and feel. We will be adding new and entertaining content that will now include fashion, sports, automobiles, and music, to accompany the normal slew of forward worthy news and videos for you to pass along to your friends.

Clap for em. A star has been reborn.