Piss on You Week 1.26.09

Who do you call into a situation when you need a common sense answer? Me! I believe that 1+1 is always 2 and if you don't agree you're an idiot. John Butler, Professional Rationalist here to give you the only perspective that matters, MINE. (I'll give you a second to hum the theme music of Shaft.)

As many of you may know, I am a firm believer that idiots should be pissed on. Why you ask? It's the ultimate form of disrespect. Punching someone out is soo 90s, Slapping them is too reminiscent of WWF, and spitting on them is not manly at all. The only alternative is to pee on them, preferably by the ankles. Without further adieu, here is this week's list of people who deserve to be pissed on.



10. Hockey Fans

I knew there had to be a reason why I hated hockey besides the fact that I can’t skate…. The fans are idiots. The fans voted to decide who would start in the All Star Game and disregarded Alex Ovechki: the leagues reigning MVP, scoring champion, and leader of one of this year’s top teams. Hey Alex! Feel free to join me anytime and piss on your “Beloved” fans.

9. Reina Villatoro
So this woman swears that she did not know about the cockfights going on in her basement.

How do you not hear a total of 58 birds whooping, hollering, and clucking in your home, but you manage to hear three police officers talking as they entered the premises. I would have accepted you saying that you used the roosters to wake you up in the morning or to lay eggs. But to say you just didn’t hear them gets you pissed on for lack of an alibi.

8. NCAA

College basketball takes a hit for making it acceptable to scout 7th graders.

For Pete’s sake they are only 13! At that age I didn’t know how I was getting home everyday let alone which college I wanted to go to. But at 22, I do know that the NCAA deserves the business.

7. The Overpaying John

I’m not aiming at Natalie Dylan for putting her virginity on the “pink market”, if you will. But I am peeing on the idiot who is paying a grand total of $3.8 million for it.

How ugly is this guy?

6. Pepsi

So I go to a friend’s house and I see this vintage Pepsi can in the back of the fridge. I’m like come on. I know times are hard but must we resort to drinking decade old soda. To my dismay it turned out to be a new Pepsi can. Hey Pepsi, you can’t just go changing the look of your cans without letting me know. Pissed on for lack of notification.


5. The Barber

I’m not going to leak on R&B crooner Bobby Valentino for growing what appears to be a Rat Tail in the works, or all the guys with Mohawks, or the idiot with more shapes in his head than a geometry book. I’m going to go after their barbers instead. How dare you let someone’s child get out of your chair looking like this.

4. Andre Thomas

I’m giving the business to anybody who doesn’t agree that this man is crazy!

3. Swag
Everybody is using this term to describe how cool they are. Jay-Z and associates made it the coolest thing to say with their song, “Swagger Like Us.”

But it appears to me that the term has been diluted because everywhere I go I hear someone using it. The dude who took the bus to the club is talking about his swag. The bald headed chick with the bad wig is shouting Swag to the heavens. Even sports reporters have begun to use the phrase. I’m giving the business to anybody who doesn’t agree that this man is crazy!You want to know who has true Swag?... Jack Nicholson and his main man Lou Adler.

From this day forth if you are not one of these two dapper dons, you get pissed on for use of the word Swag.

2. T.O/VH1

I hate hearing T.O. utter nonsense during the NFL season. Why the hell would I want to tune in to hear it when he’s not even playing football?

VH1, I must admit that I tuned into Flavor of Love once or twice. But T.O. is where I piss the line.


1. American Idol Fans

I don’t get it guys. For 8 seasons it has been the same thing. A few weeks chuckling at people who can’t sing, a few weeks being upset when your favorite gets voted off, followed by tears when they announce the winner. Let it go and find something else to do with your weeknights. American Idol fans get the shake and zip as I get out of here until next time.

Bringing in the New Year is not that big of a deal!

I have been on a grand total of one roller coaster in my lifetime. I only gave in because my 9 other friends were going without me and I didn't want to wait around for an hour alone. Therefore, this brave soul has my respect and admiration. This isn't exactly how I would have brought in the New Year. Open bar and noise makers are more my thing.


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Hiking can be life threatening.

I went on a hike once. It was peaceful. Extremely peaceful. I saw amazing things. I felt like one of the siblings from "Honey I Shrunk the Kids." There were huge mushrooms, peak foliage, cliffs, lions, tigers, bears, oh my.

During my journey, I kept thinking about dying in the middle of nowhere. Go figure. I guess you can take the man out of the city but not the city out of the man. I missed my regular dose of gun shots, murders, sirens, and homeless beggers.


This hike may be the best of both worlds.


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Sarah Palin in the White House would have meant so much more to television than Obama.

I am thrilled that Barack Obama will soon become the President of this fine, capitalist, overweight, country of ours. However, it would have been US Weekly type fun for Sarah Palin and her gang to be in the White House.

I would have loved it.

Reality TV would have gone to new heights.

Bacon does the body good.

Legend has it that my great great grandmother, Bertha, lived to be 108 with a daily diet of cigarettes, fried foods, and alcohol. Bertha was known to go shopping, ride the bus into the city, and dance right until she passed away.

This CNN report seems to validate Bertha's outlook on life.

Jan Fonda, eat your early workout, health food eating heart out!

Good sex is worth jail time.

When I was in the second grade, I was a part of a sex conversation during lunch. Two guys asked what color the female sex organ was. Someone correctly commented "pink." The next question was what color is sperm. I was dying to answer. In my eyes, this was an easy one. Girls get pink balloons while boys get blue. Thankfully, someone yelled out "white" and I was spared from being embarrassed.

Charles Barkley knows a thing or two about sex. Especially when it comes to GOOD sex.

Piss on You Week 1.12.09

Who do you call into a situation when you need a common sense answer? Me! I believe that 1+1 is always 2 and if you don't agree you're an idiot. John Butler, Professional Rationalist here to give you the only perspective that matters, MINE. (I'll give you a second to hum the theme music of Shaft.)

As many of you may know, I am a firm believer that idiots should be pissed on. Why you ask? It's the ultimate form of disrespect. Punching someone out is soo 90s, Slapping them is too reminiscent of WWF, and spitting on them is not manly at all. The only alternative is to pee on them, preferably by the ankles. Without further adieu, here is this week's list of people who deserve to be pissed on.

4. Amerie and Jaheim


Whose bright idea was it to give these luke warm singers greatest hits albums? Bet you can’t name 5 songs from each of them? I’ll wait. Tupac can have a greatest hits album. Gladys Knight can have one; hell even the Pips but these two just get pissed on.




3. Darko Milicic

Perhaps if he was this agreesive on the court he wouldn’t be a bum. Being pissed off gets Darko pissed on

2. Jim Carey

Mr. Funny Man has a new movie where he has to say yes to everything. Is it just me or does this sound a lot like Liar Liar all over again. Pissed on for lack of originality.

1. Soulja Boy
I’m not pissing on youngin’ for his dumb comments, or outlandish clothing. But for having a video game scheduled to release in ’09. I’m only playing if I can pee on him for bonus points.

Week of 1.5.09 Pissed on

Who do you call into a situation when you need a common sense answer? Me! I believe that 1+1 is always 2 and if you don't agree you're an idiot. John Butler, Professional Rationalist here to give you the only perspective that matters, MINE. (I'll give you a second to hum the theme music of Shaft.)

As many of you may know, I am a firm believer that idiots should be pissed on. Why you ask? It's the ultimate form of disrespect. Punching someone out is soo 90s, Slapping them is too reminiscent of WWF, and spitting on them is not manly at all. The only alternative is to pee on them, preferably by the ankles. Without further adieu, here is this week's list of people who deserve to be pissed on.

8. Charles Barkley

I’m just as surprised as you Chuck. You’re my hero. For Pete’s sake we share the same middle name. But you crossed the line when you dissed LeBron for wanting to win the title. You get pissed on for jealousy.


7. Nikki Giavasis
Beautiful body, but a dumb mind. Ms. Nikki Giavasis had a baby by Shawn Kemp and convicted murderer Jessie Davis. You sure do know how to pick em babe.

6. Paul Pierce

Paul Pierce gets “wet up” for letting one ring go to his head. FYI Buddy… Champions don’t chill with chicks wearing leopard skirts at dollar parties.

5. Chris and Neef

The Young Gunz should have been in a studio in New York or Cali this weekend, finally reaching their true potential; Not in a sweatbox club on Delaware Avenue.

4. Beyonce

For having a man pose as a woman in the “Single Ladies” video. In case you didn’t know, the one to her right is rumored to be the guy who choreographed the video. Don’t believe me, watch it for yourself.

3. Ronald McDonald

Yeah, I’m going after Ronald McDonald for all those nut ass commercials with black people singing and talking Jive. This one just put me over the top.


2. Kanye West

808 and Heartbreaks should have been condensed to four songs. Allow me to warm up your “Coldest Winter” Kanye.

1. Plaxico Burgess

Plaxico makes number one on this list for obvious reasons. Who shoots themselves by accident? He is well deserving of the shake before I zip it up and get out of here until next time.

A new addition to the The Contrarian

Every great Super hero has had a phenonmal sidekick. Batman had Robin. Michael Jordan has Scottie Pippen. Jay Leno and hs nose has Branford Marsalis. Johnny Carson had Ed McMahon while Pat Sajak has Vanna White.


The Contrarian now has John Butler, Professional Rationalist.