Piss on Week 4.26.11

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Michael Vick

It has never hurt me so much to piss on someone, but I had to do it. Is Michael Vick actually excited that he is a finalist for the cover of the 2012 Madden?
Doesn’t he know about the Madden Curse?

He regretfully gets pissed on for being excited about the potential misfortune that comes with being on that cover. What’s next? Is he gonna’ stand under a ladder and break a mirror while holding a black cat on Friday the Thirteenth?

9. Prodigy


Half of the rap group Mobb Deep broke the number one hip-hop rule and had the nerve to call Biggie Smalls “corny.” I could piss on him for calling the best rapper ever corny.

Instead I’ll give him the business for not realizing that B.I.G. has been dead for almost fifteen years and in that fifteen year period he still hasn’t made an album better than Biggie.

8. The Generals


In case you haven’t noticed the Harlem Globetrotters play a team by the name of the Generals every single game. This franchise and their revolving roster of washed up high school ballers haven’t won a game since 1971.

Fixed or not, The Generals get pissed on for taking a beat down from guys named Curly and Special K for over three decades.

7. Jennifer Lopez


J-Lo used to be one of my favorite female celebrities. Who could forget her body in “Selena.” I let the ass reductions back in the day slide. But now she is getting out of control with this weight loss thing.

Jennifer Lopez gets pissed on for getting rid of her Jenny from the block curves.

6. Bragging


Listen my man, I know you got a new car. I know you make $207,000 a year. You told me a hundred times that you’re dad used to talk to Phylicia Rashad in high school. Bragging doesn’t get you a pat on the back from me, but it will get you pissed on.

I’m giving the business to anyone who tells me a story and thinks that it is going to make them look like a superhero.

5. Kanye West


After four years in operation, Kanye’s charity intended to reduce the high school dropout rate. I can’t piss on the guy for raising an average of $492,000 a year.

But he does get “soaked” when that generous amount only provides an average of $18,000 in grant money. Yeezy has some explaining to do.

4. iPhone WatchDog App


There is an iPhone app that gives you the opportunity to submit pictures of city workers slacking off.

Don’t snitch on the mail man because you’re upset he goes to the strip club during his shift. Just become a mail man and you can do it too! Otherwise you get pissed on for being jealous.

3. Mike Leake


Major League Baseball pitcher Mike Leake makes over $400,000 a year. So why in the hell was he trying to steal tee-shirts from Macy’s?

Leake gets leaked on for thinking that the saying goes, “Don’t buy it if you CAN afford it.”

2. Spike Lee


I was watching the Knicks game and saw their mascot jumping up and down and slapping five with fans after every bucket. Then I realized that the Knicks were one of the few professional teams without an official mascot. Who was the character acting a fool donned in colorful Knicks gear you ask? None other than Spike Lee.

He gets pissed on for being as good of a mascot as the Philly Phanatic. Hey Spike! Do the Right Thing and sit your ass down somewhere.

1. Soulja Boy


Can someone please tell me that this is a joke? Soulja Boy is going to attempt to remake the 90s classic “Juice” and air it on BET.

Soulja Boy gets pissed on for being the driving force behind the worst BET original film since (enter title of the last BET original film you saw).